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2018-06-17 12:00:02 (UTC)

settled sediment

"Sunflower" by Rex Orange County [prolly already posted this one but it's so good]

And so she sat me down and told me that I didn't have to cry
Said I didn't need to get down and feel empty inside
And told me that she love me for as long as she's alive
And well, maybe she's right, 'cause I hate it when I feel like I'm not me
See, I honestly, don't even know why
I, I honestly don't even know why

Tryna keep my mind at bay
Sunflowers still grows at night
Waiting for a minute till the sun's seen through my eyes

June 17, 2018 Sunday 12:00 PM

I feel better now! Daylight helps. I woke up wanting to forget everything before I even remembered anything and I still kinda feel that, but I cooked and drank my coffee and sipped my orange juice and things are better. I am annoyed at myself for sending Lancelot an e-mail in a panic, especially since I'm calm now. Moodiness has dissipated. Maybe it'll be back, I dunno.

Alexis facetimed me at almost one in the morning last night to tell me she and Soom broke up. I wasn't sure what to say or do, so I just stayed on the phone with her for a while to listen when she talked, to ask questions and make dumb comments. I was glad I didn't smoke at all (as I was debating doing in an attempt to get myself to sleep with minimal overthinking—weed grinds up my thoughts and this can be good, right?). I had what was slowly growing into a migraine, an ache in my left eye and nausea in my stomach. I love Alexis so much and she is just going to suffer for months now. I mean, this is the end of a... two or three year relationship. I am not sure, but it's been a long time (at least long for young people). Alexis says she doesn't know how to be without Soom.

In other news, I am going over to Movie Theater Guy's apartment later, presumably to cuddle and make out. I dunno if I feel like making out. I mean, I feel way better than I did yesterday but I still feel a little fucked and worthless. Last thing I need is to also feel the placeless shame that usually arises from intimacy, haha. God, screw my moods. Screw my whole entire self for being so damn volatile. Oops, this is approaching self-hate—which I would love to indulge in, but also I have to be around a person later today so I have to Not be a mess.


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