Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2018-06-15 04:53:26 (UTC)

still processing

So that supervisor position is waiting for my final decision tomorrow. Which means I should probably be on time and talk it over with my other coworker who was a supervisor last year.

But thinking about it tonight, I realize, it's not exactly what I want to do- I like how I good I am at my current job. It's easy to me now, and that's no simple thing since it was so overwhelming at first. (it's easy only when I can keep my head on my shoulders though)

But I realized I will do it because I care about the establishment and the people.

But really, because I feel like I have something to prove to myself. It's harder to fathom, since it's more of a subconscious yearning to grow up.
But it's all in the bigger picture. This past year I really just gave up on the person I've been trying to be. After giving it my all to realize my potential and be the person I was put on this earth for, I just hit a brick wall. I let myself die out because I was afraid of going on alone. And I was afraid of sticking up for myself enough to create my own culture of happiness.

So really I just came to cedar point as a last ditch effort to stitch myself back together. It's really only been a half assed effort so far. Mostly because I'm afraid; I don't know where I'm going with my life after this, and I don't think I have the gumption to go full force into the dream life I want to live. Whatever that is. But I feel like taking on this role might be some sort of subconscious punishment or strength training for the future after.

All I really want to do is continue on in my comfort zone, and not push myself to be more than I am. I just want to live and be alive and be accepted and loved. I don't want to be someone that people look to for depending on, because most days I can't depend on myself. I don't feel like a person even.
How am I supposed to be the person people look up to when I don't have that for myself? I don't even look up to myself.
I often hate myself.

I feel like last year I would've been a good supervisor. I was ready for this shit. But this year; no.

Which is why I'm starting to feel like I should do it.
It's not about me and who I am or want to be right now. It's about butchering the beloved pet pig in order to sustain the family for winter.
But how can I fucking grow up when I feel I've never been a proper kid?
you can.
Jesus
amen.




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