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2018-06-13 19:10:10 (UTC)

"Mis" by (Sandy) Alex ..

"Mis" by (Sandy) Alex G

I guess I don't need her around
I'll just do what I do best when I'm down
Paint the problem
Into a picture
Twist my arm til I make a sound

I said 'I miss you so bad'
She says

June 13, 2018 Wednesday 7:23 PM

Guts hurt a lot. Have shrunken luuuuungs.

Have/had a weird crush on my roomie Goose for a bit, 'cause we cuddled when we were dead drunk on Saturday, woke up in the same bed and everything. I cried, but I can barely remember why except that it was most definitely about Stephanie and I know I kept saying, "I don't know why she did that." I freak out about this kind of thing, but Goose is very unperturbed. I wish I was equally sure of myself. He's been away since I came home from work, which is a relief—could use the space. I don't want anything with him or whatever, it is more just a desire to touch platonically (but my body also likes to react other ways which is confusing to me and inspires a lot of needless shame).

Went to Lancelot yesterday and tried to survive that session. I've just been really anxious, man. I'm tired of being drunk, high, sober. Really tired of all things, honestly. Really just wanna be weak. Things feel really bad. I am fragmented in thought, vulnerable, thin flypaper skin catching the bad. Ugh, ugh, ugh. To have a full thought is a miracle, to draw a conclusion: impossible.

I am going to lie down on my side and think about how to live. (I Am right now lying on my back, so it won't be too much of a transition).

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