All that is
It's coming up to four months since I moved to lagos. This city is something else. Thi country is osmething else. I'll try and touch on the things that have had the most impact on my state of mind and well being. Those thing are:
Personal Realisations / Revelations
What i need to work on.
- When i first arrived here I was excited about starting at a Nigerian working environment. Now I dread Mondays - Sunday nights are literally depressing af for me. I hate that office. I loathe the management team. and I hate the way i feel trapped when im there. perhaps i'll look back at this experience in a year with a grateful smile. But working here has really shown me another side of Nigerians that i can't stand. Their low accountability, their lack of professionalism, their lack of creativity, their lack of foresight, their snivelling nature... i could go on. Since I can't be bothered to recount all the horrible moments I had with this colossal prick called emka, I will instead summarise what my biggest lessons have been as a result of interacting with him amongst other things.
- If dealing with men, always make sure you leave their egos in tact. No matter their level of exposure, if you're a woman who is assertive and confident, they will dislike you. They're used to a certain kind of temperament from women which is quiet, docile, softly spoken. Anything beyond that is seen as an affront or a challenge to them. you will be seen as 'difficult' or 'demanding'. Men in Nigeria have fragile egos and huge personality problems that manifest in ugly ways, as i saw. In his case, I'm pretty sure the prick has a crush on me at the start. then when i challenged him once, he resented me for it and tried to put me thru the wringer. I'm sure a part of his resentment came from knowing that I was out of his league. that this girl who he was crushing on found him to be an imbecile. And so because of his position as my manager, earned purely because he is the cousin of the CEO, he was able to abuse his power over me.
- There are certain tendencies that I can see getting more frequent the older i get. Certain thought patterns. Now that I have become aware of them, intend to get ahead of it. Form better habits now, or ways of dealing with those tendencies.
- For instance when shit gets overwhelming, instead of coming up with a plan to salvage what i can. I tend to bury my head in the sand. i think this comes from the mindset that if the entire thing can't be perfect, then there's no point in trying to salvage even a tiny part of it.
What i need to work on.
1. my insecurities.
- Despite being high achieving, articulate, I still often feel as though I'm not smart enough. I remember feeling surprised and floored at myself whenever I got my paper back and saw that I had scored a 70% or higher. It always felt like it wasn't me who wrote the paper. and that it was a fluke. then because of this i would feel so anxious about the next paper that unless i was sure that it was going to be as good as or better tan the last one, i wouldn't hand it in. this would mean i'd just not hand it in on time.
Confidence in my own perspectives:
- there's also the insecurity that my own perspective is not valid until it is validated by another person who i deem more adequate or intelligent in that area or just in general. But this also is ridiculous because often when someone who i deem to have these qualities is talking or making a point, I often find myself finishing their arguments in my head. then they say it and i regret not voicing the same thing. this happens repeatedly.
2. My delivery
- Doing what i say i will. I'm not good at this. I have every intention to, but should something else come to take my attention away what ever that may be good or bad, I'll usually allow it to happen.
3. Fear of failure
- Sometimes it's difficult for me to start something even if i can see that it's going to be great, simply because the fear that it won't be as i imagine, is so overpowering. It causes me anxiety. THere's a book called 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. I need something to read that will give me exercises to do daily. or give me something to read daily.
- Everyday, do one thing that you find scary
- Do that thing again the following day.
- Say something you're grateful for.
- Visualise the the process, trust the process
Recently, I've been spending time with a guy. Well, when have i not been spending time with a guy, one might ask. But you see those other times have been sporadic, maybe consistent for about three weeks tops