✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2018-06-13 02:44:34 (UTC)

When She Says The Word

Dear Reader,

I hate writing about this. I hate complaining about stuff like this. I hate opening up and talking about my weight, and how my stupid family talks to me about it.

I hate talking about it, because I know how people are treated when they talk about it.

My grandma was about to go to bed. It’s 10:30 at night, and I walk into the kitchen, and she’s standing there cooking chocolate chip pancakes.

She made them for my younger brother of course. Because he asked her to.

So I asked how to make them, and I pick up the box to read it.

She immediately says how unhealthy it is to eat them at this time of night, and that I’m fat, gaining weight, and I don’t need to make any.

So I deflect saying that I wasn’t going to even make any, I was just asking how, and that it didn’t mean it was healthy for E to have them either.

Of course it’s different that E gets them, because he hasn’t eat all day, and I have.

Keep in mind, this kid doesn’t eat regular food ever. He lives almost completely on snacks, and junk food. Even though he’s skinny, doesn’t mean he’s healthy by any means. Doctors have even said he has high cholesterol because of his diet.


I have struggled my entire life with my weight, and body image, self esteem, and self worth because I have depended on food as a defense mechanism since I was a kid.

My grandma has always been there to remind me how fat I was, how ugly it was, how boys don’t like fat girls, and I needed to lose weight.

Since. I. was. 5-6.

She only made my all of those problems worse, and I turn made my eating disorders worse.

Now as an adult, I’m still fat.

And being fat is just one of the many other things that I am, that she never fails to remind me she hates.

My brothers asks me all the time when I plan to lose weight, and why don’t I just lose weight.

And so, after I told her I wasn’t planning on making pancakes, she kept telling me how I’m gaining weight, and I’m going to end up on that show my 600 pound life, and how she “hates to be the one to have to tell me that.”


This isn’t about a “health” issue. It’s about control, and trying to knock me down.

See, I’ve recently started wearing tank tops, and shorts again for the first time in a long time, because it’s hot, and I’ve just been.. feeling more confident lately.

She does this thing where she’ll complain about me not doing something forever and and ever, and then if I finally do it, she suddenly has a problem with it.

She complained about me not being interested in make up, until when I was 15, I did. Suddenly I was “too young for make up, and my eyelashes were dark enough and I didn’t need any makeup.”

She complained about me not practicing driving, so when I did, she complained about going not even 2 miles an hour in the long driveway of our yard was way too fast, and I’m a shit driver. (Meanwhile E has gotten speeding tickets, and wrecked her car)

She complained about me not wearing tank tops when it’s hot, and so when I did, she pulled me aside and fucking slut shamed me, saying “we don’t dress like THAT in MY house young lady.” It was a tank top. A tank top SHE bought me. And I was wearing it because it was hot.

She complains about me being fat, and yet when acts mad when I go outside to walk around.

So I’ve just recently started wearing tank tops and shorts again because it’s summer, and I want to be comfortable. They’re men’s clothes too which she hates. I’m self conscious about my arms, because they are big, so this is a step for me to have them out.

So I’m wearing tight pants I bought, because I like skinny pants, and a men’s tank top. Two things she hates.

She didn’t say that shit because she gives a shit about my health.. she said those things because she genuinely can’t stand to see me happy or confident in my body and clothes.

Nothing she ever said to me growing up ever helped, or was ever about health. It was always about how everyone saw how us as a reflection of how she raised us, and I was different and everyone would obviously blame it on her for “allowing” it.

I still got fat though. Even though she cut my food intake, I still gained weight.

What makes me sick, and the most angry about all of this, is that when my girl cousins come over, and then leave, they walk about how they’ve gained weight, HOWEVER they follow that saying “buy I’d never say that to her because it would hurt her feelings.”

But you have no problem saying that to me, because my feelings don’t matter. And clearly, “being the one who has to say it” has never once helped. So why are you still saying it? Because you WANT to hurt my feelings. Because you don’t want me to be confident, or happy in my own damn skin.


I promise you, if I moved out, and came back for a visit, she would still say shit like that.

I know I’m fat. I know I’m ugly. I know you’re ashamed of me. And I know that I’m everything you never wanted me to be.

But I wish you would stop taking every opportunity to remind me.

Sincerely,
WhatYouEndedUpWith




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