forrealzkaitlyn

Kaitlyn'sJournal
2018-06-12 23:40:02 (UTC)

Fix whats broken?

We got engaged. April 1st.
No talk of the wedding really.
Not too soon.
Jaburary 2020 is waaay too soon.
I dont know what to do.
I love him more than anything. He loves me. I know this. Sometimes i question shit, im sure he does too. I just dont want to be in the world completely by myself. I feel like that sometimes, even when hes right next to me. He makes me feel better though too. Like everything in my life isnt one big giant mess. Things are complicated. Its mainly just in my head though. I really wish i could afford a therapist. I want to get all of this shit straightened uo in my mind. I really dont think tjat i can do it by myself.
Why is life difficult?
I didnt ask for any of this shit. Ever.
I wish my mom wouldve just had my sister instead of both of us.
He tries to make things better for me but he doesnt understand any of it. Its sad to think that gilad was the only one i could talk to about my fucked up thoughts. I wish it was bobby every single day. Bobbys the man that im going to soend the rest of my life with. Hes the inly one i want to. Why cant he see how broken i am? Is he dellussional? Maybe its just how good of a facade i put up?
As soon as were home i break down. I tare the walls down and i cry sometimes. Sometimes he can tell, others i dont onow. Maybe he just doesnt want to deal with it?
He gets mad and shuts down. Like today. I try to talk a bit but hes monotone. I give up. Get home and bawl my eyes out. Now he wants to continue with the plans? Am i just crazy? I dont know. All i do know is that i have to fix my broken mind and i need to do it soon. I’ve been broken for too long and I don’t know how much longer I can go....




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