REF

Mumblings
2018-06-11 20:53:37 (UTC)

Speck of Rage

How is it that one person can make you feel so small and fill you immense rage all at the same time.
You would think after 26 years I would have figured that one out...
The sad part isnt how small you feel or how you struggle to control the overwhelming anger you feel. Nope. The sad part is that the person who makes you feel this way, the person who you find yourself hating more and more every day, the person who makes you feel the absolute worst about yourself is the one person who is supposed to support you every day, the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally, the person who is supposed to protect you from everything that can harm you physically, emotionally, and/or mentally.
The sad part is.. that person is your dad.
He's the main source of stress and frustration in your life. The reason you'd rather skip a meal than have to sit through one more with him. The reason you physically dread being alone with him. The reason you stress out over every minute detail of your life because he's shown you through actions and words that nothing you do is ever going to up to his standards. To him youre disrespectful, lazy, stupid, a disappointment.
He would rather lash out at you and everyone else than take a step back and realize we are not the enemy.

Do you realize that we avoid you when possible? Do you realize that I have been counting down for three years now until the day i move out forever. Do you realize I would rather be anywhere but where you are? Do you realize we have learned your pattern so well that we can predict with 99.9% accuracy when and what will set you off. Do you realize that if you were to ever leave this family
(like youve threatened to do countless times) I would never speak to you again. Do you realize that when people say I am my fathers daughter and I am so much like you that I wince at the thought that people can even see a inkling of similarity. Do you realize that I loathe you for showing me my entire life how to react to situations and I react ALMOST exactly like you. Difference is I feel guilty and you don't.

Speaking of guilt.
Do you realize that even with all this disgust and dislike I have for you I still feel guilty when Im gone from home too long or when I think bad things about you. I dont want the day to come when something happens to you and all I am able to think about is time I wasted being angry with you.
Yet here I am another day..pissed at you. Why? For some reason you think it's okay to talk shit about me behind my back and youre stupid enough to do it when I am still around. Do you realize I am not a child?

Things I am not.
Your live in maid. Your heavy bag thats ready to take the blows of your nasty words and stress. Your friend whos ready to listen to all the shit you want to talk about other people. Your biggest fan.

No longer do I look up to you as my daddy. You are the one I am ready to be away from the most.
I get married in three and a half months. I should be excited. I should be excited about you walking me down the aisle and our daddy/daughter dance. I'm not. If I had it my way you wouldnt even be there. Knowing you, youll find a way to make it all about you and ruin the entire weekend. Thats what you do best.

Thank you. Thank you for making me feel like a tiny speck full of rage. The emotional and mental abuse has been great.
I hope one day you realize everything youve made me feel.
Thank you for showing me everything I detest so that I could find the opposite in my future husband. He is nothing like you by the way. He is kind and honest and supportive and uplifting. HE loves me unconditionally.

The sad part is, Im not sure you ever did.




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