Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2018-06-11 04:27:43 (UTC)

so he tries to pacify her

Tonight, today, yesterday, everyday lately, it feels like everything moves so fast. I suppose that's why I love it here.
Today we apparently hit the 103rd show at the saloon. And we're only just getting started it seems. Or at least I would hope, because that's what I've been telling myself.
I'm just trying to stay patient. Because with me, I need alittle to understand myself.

Especially with budding relationships. Sound boy, well, let's backtrack. Budding. relationship. Nope that's even to strong a term for whatever connection is between us. Although it's probably imagined, I think it goes both ways.
I just really appreciate him. Noticing me. I appreciate him noticing me and I notice and appreciate him.
Okay well that's a half lie because I have to not notice him so that I can keep my brain on my shoulders. As soon as I really start to notice him I start to search for his eyes everywhere and then I'm swimming in a dream of who he is or could possibly be. I still barely know him.
I still barely know myself.

And, my relationship with relationships at large seems shaky when I think about it. When I don't think about it, and when nothing is bothering me, then it all comes naturally. But sooner or later, I get around to thinking, and unfortunately these deep rooted fears start to dictate my actions in ways that I can't even understand easily. I just want to die because I catch myself running from things I don't even want to run from.
like sound boy.

Just the idea of me and the idea of him is too much for my tiny brain and heart to handle. I can only handle me or him at a time, not both.
And on top of that I have a waitressing job to do that requires my actual attention and then ugh.
Just thinking alittle now my brain is getting alittle drunk on the thought of him.

And me, me the little shit. He came up to the balcony as I was cleaning up to sit for a bit and just chill. But I couldn't bring myself to say anything except "'you just tryin' to hide away up here?" Which the way I said, maybe this is me overthinking, but the way I chose those words over anything else seemed to imply that I couldn't bring myself to acknowledge the intent behind his action at all. I sort of just naturally denied the fact that he could like me, or probably from his perspective I just denied the fact that I could like him.

Which, is a lie of course. I think the little subconscious part of my brain was being an asshole and was just going along with that first lie that I don't like him.

But sitting here, thinking, I think it's something else too. I think it's the way I don't want to acknowledge myself, and that's a recurring theme for me. I forget that I'm a pet human with emotions. I prefer just existing.
But I forget that my emotions are worth recognizing in their own right. I act sometimes like I haven't earned it in some way. That I haven't earned the right to act as my own human with interests, or feelings that other people need to recognize..

I suppose that was a thing I learned from childhood by just never consciously rejecting the idea.

I remember this instance with my best friend from awhile ago. There was a stretch of time where we grew apart because I had my own social life taking off at school, and her life was sort of rough during that patch of time. I wasn't there for her and instead of noticing the way she shrunk away, I kept on thriving. I remember she texted me about how that made her feel, and I felt hurt to know that I could hurt someone in that way. By just forgetting. Sort of.

and I felt hurt that she couldn't feel happy for me either because of it. But instead of reaching that point, I just stayed with her hurt and realized I should pay better attention.

I suppose from that I learned that I should expect others to pay attention to my pain before I can reach out. But that's not true.

It's just that when I started to go through a rough time in high school, and this wasn't the same since we'd already grown further apart a bit, but I remember not even letting myself fully consider reaching out to her.
Partially because I didn't have the words to explain or understand myself and my actions fully. But partly because I didn't think I deserved that attention already.
Because I didn't understand.

If anything, I think I need a lot more understanding of myself. It's what I've been saying since the start of this diary, but this time, with less urgency. More straightforwardness though. I forget to value my emotions first, or really, I forget to consciously understand them. And when don't understand them I brush them aside.
This takes a lot of mental practice and habit. So far my habit is more erred on the side of living in mental hurt and misunderstanding.
I like just existing lately. I forget that it's okay to just love the moment, despite not being connected to a bigger picture. The bigger picture, my plans for the future, only serve the purpose of providing me security, and the pressure to keep my future secured is more stressful than the relief it's supposed to provide.

Especially since, and I'm sort of recognizing this, especially since I feel I have this expectation to remain financially secure in my life. I've sort of pondered this off and on, since my parents have paid for my college and such, so I am pretty lucky to not have any financial stressors, but there is an expectation to use that money wisely and offer them a good return on investment in my future. There's an implicit expectation to not waste it on a liberal arts degree.
Which, obviously I'm more attracted to than anything.

I think what everything points to is the present moment. Because I can't rely on the future until I feel like I can make it there. I haven't spent enough time appreciating the way life is fueled by love. In my best quiet moments, I remember that a normal healthy human brain embraces love in all it's fleeting forms. There's nothing naive or vapid about that, it's the way humans are powered.
And I feel more okay when I'm not compelled to doubt everything.

In regards to the title, it's an excerpt from Amy Winehouse's "he can only hold her.."
I read the lyrics as I was listening to it and it felt exactly like the few night's I've spent in a boy's bed.




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