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2018-06-04 05:28:09 (UTC)

Hard Times

Another nightmare has me up at 5:30am and I can't get back to sleep. I wish I knew what keeps triggering all of this. It's tormenting.

It was about things that had already occurred in the past, some of them were good times too but times that I don't really want to think about anymore. Irrelevant times at this point. It's funny, you can do almost everything you want to try and forget about somebody. You can cut all contact but you can't stop them from entering your thoughts and dreams at night. It sucks. I don't really know what to do except hope that it eventually stops. I mean, there will always be things that will remind me of her, somewhere down the line. A film, a book, a song, a band. That is just inevitable. I don't love her anymore. I don't miss her. I don't really know why this persists but I hope it stops.

Again, I was asked about dating yesterday. By somebody else this time though. I said it wasn't likely. I gave her the usual "don't think I'm ready" stuff but she said to me it's probably just a case of finding the right person. Which may be true. She saw me message the girl I liked and asked who I was talking to. So I just mentioned briefly that it was somebody I had gotten really close with in the past few months. I was just checking up on her because she hasn't been very well in the last couple of days. She asked where she was from and if she lived around here and I was just like "er...no, Holland", that was quite awkward, haha. She asked how we met and I just said "Oh, online". I didn't want to tell her that we met through a video game. She wouldn't get it. I mean, I think she is definitely the right person but, I'm kinda putting that on ice now. I'm not very hopeful that something will work out between me and her and I don't want to force it because it might just blow the friendship up altogether. She probably already feels under immense pressure because I've told her how I felt, which was probably a mistake in hindsight. She feels something for me, I'm pretty sure.. but there are just so many barriers and complications that it's pretty bleak and I shouldn't even entertain the thought that something could work out. It's too far-fetched. Maybe I'm just trying to chase happiness at this point. It's dumb. I think I need to just let this go completely, until she approaches me about it and if she never does, it wasn't meant to be. Easier said than done I guess.

I haven't got any plans today, I need to do some shopping soon because there's no Pepsi in the house and that is a crime in my eyes. I'll probably go out and buy some things and then maybe try and sleep again for a few hours. I was thinking about resubbing to WoW, just for something to do. I find myself alone quite a bit in the evenings/nights. WoW was always a pretty good distraction in that respect. I could do my own thing, for hours. At the minute I'm either staring at the TV and watching episode upon episode of something on Netflix, or just staring at my monitor until I think its a reasonable time to probably go to sleep. It's just tedious and sad.

Finally have my assessment on Wednesday to see where I'll be placed in September in regards to my studying. Maybe I'll do another mock exam for that tomorrow or something. I don't really think it's worth it though, it all looks pretty easy. I'm more nervous about showing up and getting there okay than actually doing the test itself. It says it can potentially take up to 2.5 hours but hopefully I'll be out pretty quickly. I'm excited for it because then I know things are finally moving in the right direction. My friend said it all takes place on the computer so it should be a breeze. I get paid on Friday then and I can finally look at tickets for Sweden for a couple of days and hopefully, have a pretty fulfilling summer.


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