Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2018-06-02 03:23:41 (UTC)

standing for something or anything or what

This morning when I first woke up and wrote I intended to write about having principles to stand by. Because that seems to be my downfall every time. In high school, when those girls didn't know my worth and I didn't stand up for myself, in college when I dropped out and my parents didn't know my worth and treat me like a human (although they didn't treat themselves like humans either).
I just need a thesis of my personality so that I can get going with it.
Cus right now I keep treading water right above a big pool of insecurity and it's gr8

It's rough really. And exacerbated with fatigue and the added impending crush.
I'm afraid the more I write about it the more I'll divulge myself into the dreaded territory of insecurity.
But I think about that boy all the time. It helps though, to know that he supposedly has a girlfriend. My coworker told me that the other day, that he mentioned her in a conversation. although I start to wonder if the way he hangs around we are going to just be friends or if this is something more than that.
I really just want to be friends because the pressure of a real relationship outside of friendship is too much for me to handle.

I start, when people depend on me for conversations or to just be a human around them, to stop seeing myself as worthy and it's hard to describe. Just this scar in me tears open where I'm just a metaphorical pool of tears and it's not ok. I mean, it's okay but it's not and I'm afraid of it and the more I try not to think of it the more I succumb sort of thing.

Like there's a whole section of my brain reserved for overthinking and such that I'm afraid to let the rest of the world see.

And since when did talking about my emotions or feelings become so taboo? I love my bestfriend because she's one of those people who has the whole vernacular down so that talking about uncomfortable things just comes naturally to her. But for me any shade of caring emotion is so rusty for me to use that I'm just awkward and gawky about it all.

Anyways, maybe I can start to empower myself by finding moments to notice my emotions and then mention them. And also, just to be more truthful about the way I overthink things- especially in the moment.

There was a time last night that I find cute and funny where my area manager and my coworker were talking about me and both agreed that I'm the most chill person they've ever met. Like, I'm so laid back and never really rush.
My take?
That's just the tip of the iceberg.
And I just kept silent and smiled.




Ad: