Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-05-31 05:39:43 (UTC)

Failure by Design

I'm at the point now where I have just surpassed tiredness completely. I've been lying in bed since about 8pm trying to sleep. I've almost watched two seasons of Breaking Bad tonight. 12 episodes to go and I'm finished. Watching it through again was a great idea. I'm not sure what I'll watch next. I should look at something new though. I was thinking of either watching Safe or Lost in Space. I've heard good things about both of them.

I've been thinking about some weird things tonight. I guess I'm just so tired that I'm not even thinking straight at this point. I've been thinking about death quite a bit. Morbid, I know. I don't know why. Not my death either. My parents. I dunno, I just thought to myself. "What would happen if they were to just die?" They leave for work and die in a car accident or something like that. What would I do? I've always felt and said to myself that when my parents go, I'll likely be right behind them. Which is a disgusting thing to say by all accounts. I just don't know how I could go on and live without them. We aren't even that close. I mean we obviously have that love and respect for each other but there isn't a great bond or togetherness. There never really has been. Same with my sister. I'm not really close with any family members and that really sucks. I used to be close with my cousins when I was younger but we went to different schools and just grew apart in our teenage years. They are both engaged now I think and one has a child already. Then there's me. Wasting away. Well, for the time being anyway. Hopefully September is the turning point. I do feel like a failure regardless. I'm definitely one of the most embarrassing "children" in the family. It looked a bit better when I had an 8 year relationship under my belt and we were living together. It at least made me look more of a "grown up". Anyway, back to the subject. I don't really know what I would do or what would happen. I'm 95% sure they would leave the house to me and my sister. She wouldn't have any intention of living here but I would. I just don't know how I'd really make it through life without them. I mean, its inevitable that one day they will die. Hopefully me before them. I dunno, lack of sleep puts all sorts of shit into your head I guess. It's no wonder my dreams/nightmares are so fucked up lately.

My friends are trying to encourage me to put myself out there a bit more in regards to women and dating. I just don't really see the point. Why should I force it? I mean, I get it's what people do. It helps you feel and look normal. Dating is healthy, all that crap. The itch just isn't there though, and it likely won't be for a long time. I don't really feel attractive enough either. I guess there is a lot of stuff I need to try and sort out in my life before I even feel I can contemplate anything serious. Right now, I just feel like a loser. Let me paint the picture for you; 27 year old, living in a box room, in his parents house, with a single bed. Currently works nights on the weekends and is resitting his GCSE's in September. It's embarrassing. I mean, I'll likely have my old bedroom back in a few months, hopefully anyway. But still, just because I get my old bedroom back and upgrade to a double bed again doesn't mean it's an excuse or incentive to meet somebody new. I just want to feel good about myself. I want to feel like I'm doing good and actually advancing and moving forward. I mean, even if I come out of this the other side and complete a course in Journalism/Creative writing. It still won't give me a confidence boost on the physical side of things. I'm not terribly bad looking. I guess I'm just a slightly fatter version of Keanu Reeves. I'd say I'm a 3/10. (that's probably generous) But yeah, I don't see the point in forcing anything with anybody. I really like this girl who I've mentioned in a few previous entries but it's not very realistic. She's really great and does make me happy.I would love something to happen with us eventually but it's hard to picture. Unless she tells me that she wants something more than friends anyway. As much as I like her, I can't be very hopeful for that. I'm trying to push it to the back of my mind for now I guess. If she mentions it, I'll go from there. She knows how I feel so the ball is very much in her court if she ever did want anything more. Either way, I can't predict the future and shouldn't keep talking about it. I've got to stop assuming things and try to be a bit more positive in all aspects. She did say to me that I make a lot of assumptions and they are mostly negative. I need to try and be better with that..I've always struggled with positivity. If something happens, it happens.

In regards to feeling more attractive, it's on my list to start going to the gym regularly. I would like to look fitter, stronger and just generally better. I mean I'm not talking Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson big. I wouldn't say no, but it's not my intention to get as hench as I possibly can. I just want to look better and feel good about myself. I just want to feel comfortable. I guess I'm just a bit nervous because I've never been to a gym before. I'm terrified of doing something stupid or hurting myself. I dunno, it's dumb. I'm not overweight or anything like that. I mean, I definitely look/feel bigger than I used to but it's not out of control, not yet. I know there would definitely be a point where I think to myself "Holy shit, I look massive!" and then I would do something about it. Hopefully I can start soon though. The sooner the better. People always talk about how good the gym makes them feel. A 24/7 one would be cool, that would keep me busy.

I mean I'll be quite busy soon anyway I guess. The new WoW expansion will be out in August (nerd alert) so I'll be putting a fair bit of time into that in the evenings. I'll be studying come September, it's 15 hours a week I think. I'll likely still be working nights on the weekends unless I can find something else, which is looking increasingly doubtful. Been having some terrible luck with job hunting. I've been asked if I want to transfer to days in my current work, but I don't. I would rather just leave my current employment altogether than do that, which in a way, I can do. It sounds shitty but I could just study and live at home and it would be okay. My parents are pretty well off in terms of money but I'd still feel bad for them. I kinda want my own income too. It just makes more sense to do it like this but yeah, ideally I need another weekend job.


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