Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-05-26 07:01:13 (UTC)

Marching Through The Fog

Tonight was okay. Standard I guess. Friday nights usually go pretty quick. It rarely drags these days. I guess there's just so much going on and so much needs to be done. You're just always busy, which is good. My friend didn't speak to me tonight and probably isn't going to again. I dunno, as long as she's happy/is doing okay. That's the main thing. I told her that if she wanted to speak to me again then she was more than welcome to, any time. It will probably be a vicious circle if she does though. I guess it's just never going to work out. It's going to be too difficult for her. It sucks and I do feel really gutted because she was a good friend but I do understand why she has to do this.

Tonight was pretty chilled though. I work with one other guy on my department and he's easy to get on with. We like the same kind of stuff so conversation is never short, dull or forced. I hate forced conversation. Small talk, that kinda stuff. We spoke about a lot of stuff from video games, football, music, the future, relationships, dating. Lots of stuff. I only see him once a week so I guess there is always plenty to talk about when I do see him. We mainly talked about his relationship, or soon-to-be relationship. They are pretty much everything but the label. We spoke about me dating but I told him what I pretty much type here. It's just not really for me I guess. I would probably try it more but I wouldn't expect anything to materialise or develop with anybody. It's a good experience nonetheless though. I'm just not really invested in anybody enough. I fully expect to be single this time next year. I'm not looking for anything. I mean I went on Tinder (you may judge me). My friends have been suggesting it and I figured it is a way of meeting new people so why not? That's how I met the girl I went on a date with. She was really sweet though, genuine. Funnily enough, I got a match on tinder today. Only I could match somebody who has 5 fucking kids, haha. She had a pretty picture and didn't have a bio or anything. That was probably my first mistake. I never usually swipe anybody unless I know they have some sort of bio so I can connect with them somehow. There was no way I could have really known. Oops.

Right now I feel like I'm just waiting for September. September is when I'll start to make sense of everything and hopefully find my way. I don't really want to get involved with somebody knowing there is all this stuff I want to accomplish in the next year or so. I mean I can't predict the future. I could meet somebody at this college for all I know. I don't really know. I'm not looking or chasing anything. I'm honestly just trying to better myself. I want to be a bit more successful and have something to show for myself before I try and get involved with somebody else. It's only been just over a month anyway. There's no way in hell I'm possibly ready for anything. Meeting up with somebody is hard enough, let alone letting somebody in properly. The idea of it just feels so weird and scary. I mean there is the girl from Holland who I'm really close with and do feel a lot for but that's just not even realistic right now. We've discussed feelings and stuff but it's just complicated. We've agreed to just be friends and better that relationship for the time being but haven't ultimately ruled out something more in the future. I feel like it's something I would really like somewhere down the line. If/when I feel ready, she would be great for me.

I need to sort out of my tickets for Sweden pretty soon. I've been meaning to do it for ages but I've just been so busy lately. I think I'm going to go in July, only for about 3-4 days. I've never been on a plane on my own so that'll be an experience. I imagine Sweden is only about an hour or so though so it shouldn't be too bad. I'm really looking forward to seeing my friends. I just really need some happy times to cling onto and kick me on until September. The World of Warcraft expansion drops in August so that'll be a nice distraction too. I'm definitely feeling a bit more positive about things generally. I'm just feeling a bit bored and fed up of drinking, binge watching TV shows or just doing nothing. I really want to start studying and start working towards something. It all can't come soon enough.

I've got another night shift tonight and then I've got Sunday off before working the Bank Holiday Monday, which I'm dreading. It'll all be over soon enough I guess. I'll probably catch up on some wrestling now before I fall asleep. Maybe put an article out before I head into work tonight. I'm gutted I'm missing the Champions League final but, c'mon Madrid!


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