Scream Above the Sounds
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My Own Personal Shrink
Tonight has been an interesting night. Eye opening? Maybe a little. I dunno, I kinda feel like I'm being told the same things I've heard all my life. Whether I choose to listen to or apply these things is a different story. I know I should definitely try.
I've spent the last few hours talking to the girl I like. I should probably stop calling her that and just refer to her as "my friend" because that's what she is. We discussed a possibility for something more but we'll have to wait and see. I can't predict the future. Anyway, we started talking about video games and soundtracks and stuff like that, because we're both geeks obviously. A bit further in the conversation she mentioned that "Everything happens for a reason". That's a line that I kinda cringe at whenever somebody says it. It led her to ask me what I believed in. I don't believe in much. I believe in love. I don't believe in God. I don't think I believe in fate...
I've always said and thought that life is pointless and that we "live to die". Life is obviously what you make of it but my outlook is just bleaker than ever at the minute. I told her it was hard to remember a time that I was genuinely happy, fulfilled and content with everything. I don't really want attention or pity or anything like that. That's why I write here. I don't air my dirty laundry out on Facebook like most of the chav's and degenerates that I went to school with. I'm better than that. I write here to get out what I need to and then that's it. I don't want, need or deserve anybody's sympathy. That being said, I've been through some pretty shitty stuff. I tried to kill myself when I was 15. One of my best friends died when I was 19. My parents are trapped in some loveless relationship because neither of them can be the bigger person and just walk away. I'm 27 years old and probably no better off than I was 10 years ago. I just need a do-over. It's really hard to think or see myself maybe 10 years from now, living in my own house, with the person I love and with our children and just thinking to myself "I actually made it".
I suppose right now I don't even feel like I'm living, I'm just existing. I watched Deadpool for the first time today and there was a quote; "Life is an endless series of train wrecks with only brief commercial-like breaks of happiness" and God, it's so true. She asked me if I had ever seen anybody about my outlook, thought processing, negative behaviour etc. I told her no and that I don't think I ever could. I tried anti-depressants but they just made me feel worse. She said I probably have a misconception of Psychologists and Anti-depressants and she is likely right. I don't find myself disagreeing with much she tells me about myself. Unless she's complimenting me, haha.
I told her that I did go and see somebody when I was about 14-15. I can't remember where it was or why, but I think it was just after I tried to kill myself. The reason I tried to kill myself was because I was getting bullied everyday, horrendously. I remember this guy sat me down and he asked me what I wanted to be when I was older, when I left school. I can remember just shrugging my shoulders and saying, "Happy". It sounds a bit sad when I think back. I never ever knew what I wanted to do. I'm still struggling now. When I was a kid I always wanted to work for Nintendo. I never knew in what capacity, I just knew I loved the company. The games and consoles brought me a lot of happiness as a boy. I got into acting when I was in high school. Acting was a good outlet for me. I started to express myself in ways I never really knew how or existed. I guess that's probably why I act so funny and goofy now. It makes people laugh, it's friendly. It draws them away from the dark and depressing me that I don't really want them to see. You'll find me at the bar buying everybody drinks and laughing away. The clowns are always the saddest.
I just want to be happy and fulfilled in life. As long as I had my home with the person that I loved and eventually a family. That was it. That was the goal. The promised land. I guess now I'm terrified that I won't ever get there. It's just tough starting over again. I wanted and still hope to have everything figured out by the time I'm 30. I want to be successful, I want my parents to be proud of me. I've even thought about the stupid things you think about in regards to kids. Picking your son up after his football practice. All that good stuff.
I don't feel rushed or forced to have a relationship and try and salvage something with anybody. I'm not in full "panic mode". If that was the case, I would have continued dating the girl I saw last week. I'm quite scared of letting somebody new into my life and the person that I DO have feelings for lives in Holland so that's out of the question, for now anyway. I feel now I have more sense of direction in terms of work when I go back and study in September. Eventually studying Journalism/Creative writing. I wish I had thought about this stuff earlier. I guess this is the biggest wake up call of all time. Make it or break it.
She tried to explain to me that my emotions are consequences of my thoughts. Chemicals my body makes in response to what I'm thinking. God, I sound so smart when I type that up. She said "happiness is created from my thoughts, as well as sadness"."You can't expect an external event to give you happiness, if you're not willing to change your mind and your thought processes, as those are what are blocking the realisations that there are things that can cause your mind to create happiness"
I mean I agree with everything she says. She's incredibly bright. She really understands me and completely gets my thought process. I really do appreciate her for trying to help me. She's more or less my personal shrink now, haha. She asked if her questions irritated me and I said no because she was obviously trying her best to understand and help. She said "I just recognise the passive mindset, with all respect of course. It's that you feel like failure in life is on you, but successes are attributed to sheer luck. That negative stuff always finds his way in the mind, but that good things sort of fly by. That the mind focuses on the negative and goes from one thing to ruminate about, to another. "That happiness and sadness is a state you in, and that something from the outside will happen and will change the inside". She recognises the passive mindset and the fact that most of my assumptions and scenarios in my head are usually negative. She told me to try and recognise the faulty thinking and whilst I know it'll be difficult to do. I'll certainly try.
She said she could see my understanding and that I was aware of what I was doing. I said I knew but it was just hard to grapple with. She then said "nobody said it was easy" which sparked a Coldplay sing-song, haha. I told her that I'd sing some Coldplay for her someday, just not "Fix You". I haven't got the voice for that. She joked and said that I have a 100% expert vocal score on Rock band so it shouldn't be an issue, which is true but...I don't actually own "Fix You". Mainly because I'd struggle to "Gold 5 Star" it and that would bug the shit out of me! I told her that we could go to some sort of karaoke night. Not that she would sing, she's way too shy for anything like that.
I'm glad that me and her talked tonight anyway. I enjoy talking to her every night but she really helped me tonight. She's so good to me and I'm so glad that I met her. I doubt she'll ever realise how much I value her. Its incredibly hard for me to talk to people and let them in about how I'm feeling. That's why this diary has become so helpful. I would encourage anybody to keep a diary. I long for the day I get to look back at this and see how far I've come.
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