LifeOnTheVerge

the complete works of erica j. radford
2018-05-23 16:05:28 (UTC)

I don't even know.

I don't know how much more I have to give here anymore.
All of the energy that I have spent.
The time, the money and love I have invested here is never enough and has been more than I can afford.
I have compromised myself in every way that I can think of to be present here, to be understanding, to counter every struggle, argument, disagreement, hurtful words and terms, guilt and shame directed at my person: at my emotions, well being and mental health.
I have struggled to fight myself to be some level of being that isn't my regular.
That mutes my love and compassion, that tones down the power in my connection, my intuitions and that fire inside that needs to be fueled.
I keep having someone make me feel like I'm not okay. That my way of existing is not okay. That all of the work that I have done and continue to do is not good enough.
That fundamentally they will not accept me as I am. As I love and breathe and operate.
My heart has taken on too much. It is hurting and I keep holding it and healing it and telling it we can take this. That together we can do this because we can do anything.
But the toll is getting too great here and I started wondering if all of my time and energy and love is being poured out of me and into someone who's pouring it back onto the ground.
My heart aches for love and to be loved and here... I don't feel loved. I feel alone. I feel like the only one pushing to be here and to fight for love and acceptance.
It is at the point that I just feel judged. Like someone is trying to moderate me. Like someone can't take me on and won't accept me. Like everything I offer is good intentioned but useless.
Someone who once told me that they are difficult to love. But the fundamental truth is that no-one is difficult to love. What they are saying is, they have difficulty loving.
And so all I can do is keep offering mine and showing mine and letting them see how loved they are.
At what point do I stop torturing my heart and surrender back to the solo venture where all I can do is pour it everywhere I go and hope it comes back in a way that flourishes with mine. But I suppose that's all I'm doing in this relationship.
This bond built off of something I don't think I can even understand anymore.
I'm starting to wonder why I keep torturing myself to offer more than I can afford in a place that won't afford to give me time and love and energy in any compromising way, in any compassionate and open way whatsoever or on any level I have offered.
Do I just keep giving and hurting and loving until the day it can be returned? Or do I start figuring out how to back out now and grieve this struggle that has consumed my life and being for so long now that I get to go back to figuring out how to be fully alone again. Because I don't want to go back there but I don't know how much longer I can stay here.
I have never encountered such resistance, such strife, such misunderstanding, such non-committal commitment in all of my life in any relationship.
I keep telling myself that it's so challenging because it's so rewarding, because we can be so beautiful and powerful and amazing together.
But I don't know if I can believe it anymore.
My faith is one of my strongest attributes and what has driven and maintained me through everything.
But here, it has been dwindling and as much as I'm capable and as much as I always can, I have met a force that chooses not to.
There was an all or nothing claim before and I take it with me everywhere, because I'm not sorry, that is how I operate. I'm either fully in, or fully out. I don't do halfway, I don't do half-assed and I don't take any pleasure in beating around any bushes whatsoever.
The ultimatum is coming again.
And it will mean everything this time.




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