Scream Above the Sounds
2018-05-22 05:56:14 (UTC)

Sleepless Nights

Usually I'd be asleep now. Not really sure what's keeping me awake. It's just about to hit 6am. I usually stay up until 4am watching Monday Night RAW anyway but my body clock is so messed up from going back to work, and I drank quite a lot tonight. I expected to be KO'd right about now. I can feel the worst headache in the world coming on too.

Sleeping in general has been pretty tough for the past few weeks. I still haven't gotten used to this room. I do feel happier but I'm still troubled and plagued by dark thoughts, dreams and scenarios that shouldn't even be crossing my mind at this point. They are completely irrelevant to me and my life now. I had a bad dream yesterday about my ex and whilst I don't feel anything for her anymore. It's still very difficult to deal with and shitty to wake up to. I mean, I don't hate her. I never could. I just can't talk or think about her now. Maybe it's my subconscious telling me that I'm not really over her yet, which I'm probably not. Regardless of what I say or think, 8 years is a long time and I think I'll always have some sort of love for her deep down. She's still a good person.

I was talking to somebody in work on Saturday night and she mentioned that she had a trampoline in her garden. It reminded me of when me and my ex used to sit in her garden on a sunny day on her trampoline when we were teenagers. The thought actually made me smile rather than a sad or angry thought that I would instantly want to repress. Maybe I'm getting to the stage where I can be more grown up about this and appreciate the good and happy times that we did have, but knowing her choosing to end it was the right decision. I'm still sad the way she handled things in moving on but it's done and I'm not dwelling on it. If she's happy, I'm happy for her. It would just be an impossible ask to be friends.

I've been talking to the girl I went out with last Tuesday throughout the week. She's nice. I wouldn't really say there is anything there though. We had fun together and agreed to do it again but I'm not invested in it (which probably sounds terrible) but I don't think she is either to be honest. I don't know if/when we ever will do it again. Either way, I know I won't lose sleep over that. It was a good experience and I felt brave for doing it. She was out of my league anyway but it was still a good thing for me to do. I don't think I will do it again though, with anybody. I know I'm not ready for anything, even casually. Maybe she'll just be a friend. I think the key right now is just focusing on myself and achieving goals. Trying to better myself and figure out where I want to go and what I want to do and just be comfortable. The idea of a relationship is quite haunting right now. I guess I'll know if or when I'm ready for something. I still imagine I'll be single this time next year. I'll keep the date handy and we'll see. 22/5/18.

I haven't really got any plans today. I'm probably going to wake up at some point in the afternoon today so maybe I'll just apply for jobs and see what I can find. I kinda have another reason to leave now I suppose. One of the people I'm good friends with in work has decided that she doesn't want to be my friend anymore, which sucks. She's the closest person to me in there and we've been friends for a long time now. It's not really her fault and I completely understand her reasoning behind it. She told me that she had feelings for me and whilst I think she is awesome, I don't think it could happen. Not because I'm not attracted to her, I think she's great. She's really funny and completely gets my humour. Just many reasons I guess. A lot of drama/rumours floated around about us for ages. She asked me if anything could happen between us somewhere down the line now that I was single. She said she already knew the answer but it still made me feel like a piece of shit having to tell her no. I didn't want to hurt her. She said she understood and just wanted to know. I mean nobody knows more so than me that getting with somebody you work with is just a recipe for disaster. I should have known better really. People would talk, it could completely ruin our friendship. I've only been single just over a month too. It would just be impossible and too much of a risk. I would just rather us be friends. Although I'm losing that option too now it seems.

So yeah, she told me that she didn't think she could be my friend anymore as it was too difficult to deal with. I'm pretty gutted about that but I didn't force it. I told her that I understood and if she ever did feel like she wanted to talk to me again then the option is always going to be there. I dunno, the whole situation sucks and I'm losing a good friend. I don't really know what else I can do to try and resolve it. I'll see her in work on Friday but I won't go out of my way to speak to her because that'll just make her uncomfortable. I'll just have to wait and see what happens. I hope she'll be okay either way. She's quite a strong person but I know she cares about me a lot and it's not going to be easy for her. It's frustrating because as soon as I think things are getting better, something happens out of nowhere that completely blows up. Things never seem to stay stress free for more than a few days.

I think I'm gonna go ahead and plan Sweden this week with my two friends. I need something to look forward to and it would be a cool little holiday. Even if it's only for 3-4 days, it would be awesome to see them. I'm not going to have much free time when I start studying so I need to make the most of it now. I just want to get drunk with them whilst my mate Steve cooks us stuff from the BBQ in the sun. That's the dream.

I should probably get some sleep now


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