Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-05-21 23:50:52 (UTC)

Someone Who Cares

I name this entry after one of my favourite Three Days Grace songs. I encourage anyone and everyone who reads this to listen to it. They're great. Anyway, there is another reason as to why I've chosen that name for this entry but I'll get to that in a bit.

I've really got to stop drinking disaronno. I literally knock it back like it's water. I went out tonight, alcohol was involved (naturally). It feels like a recurring theme lately but it beats staying in the house all the time doing nothing. I really need to get a tan or something. One of my friends said I looked "see through" tonight because I'm THAT pale. I burn too much to tan, otherwise I would. Long story short, I need to get out of the house more. So yeah, I went out drinking with some friends and it was nice. It was all positive and we had a lot of laughs. I hope I actually have an eventful summer and enjoy myself. I mean most summers I do tend to stay in playing video games and whilst I'll probably do that this summer too, hopefully not as excessively. I'm going to start saving money so I can go and see two of my friends in Sweden and I was also going to look at Holland but again, will get to that shortly. I just want to have a bit more of a life, purpose and direction.

The first step is studying and returning to education which is more or less in place and ready for me in September. The assessment is in 2 weeks time and I'm pretty excited just to get going and doing something again. I hope I hit the ground running and thrive. I hope it's the key and answer for me to try and find some happiness and fulfilment in my life. It really does feel like I'm starting again, in every aspect. Any plan is better than nothing at this point.

The name of this entry is because I've found somebody who really does care about me. Not that people don't. I mean, I'm sure some people don't. However, I'm fully aware of everybody who DOES cares about me and values me and I fully appreciate them too. What I'm trying to say is that I've met somebody who genuinely does make me feel happy and that I'm actually worth something. I mean, the most important thing to state is that we're just friends and whether we will remain as "just friends" is anybody's guess. I don't really know at this point. It's too early to say. I mean there are barriers and stuff that I'll get to as I type this.

I've known her since about November 2017 and we were never really that close to begin with. We were always polite to one another but I never went out of my way to speak to her because I didn't want to scare her off or for her to get the wrong idea. I'll explain. We were both on the same team in a video game. Sounds nerdy, it is nerdy. It is what it is. Anyway, most guys tend to obsess over "female gamer's" online because they are under some weird impression that this girl gamer is going to be their "dream girl". I've never really understood it. It didn't make a difference to me. I didn't join the team to make friends. I mean it's obviously nice to but I just wanted to complete the content. She was always lovely to me though. We would joke from time to time but never really contacted each other outside of the game.

The team folded in February I think. A few of us got together and had a discussion about what people wanted to do next. I quit because I'm a dirty quitter and was pretty burnt out from doing 3-4 nights a week with some irritating players and just falling out of love with the game generally. Anyway, this is getting way too nerdy! The team folded, but we had each other on each others friends list. We started talking more on April 4th (I just checked to see). I asked her how she was doing and if she was continuing/what her plan was with the game. I eventually broke down a little bit and told her that my ex girlfriend didn't want to be with me anymore. She helped me through a lot. It was a really, really shit painful time. I couldn't imagine going through that again. That's probably why I'm incredibly scared about letting somebody else into my life. It's still too early but the thought of feeling like that again is scary. I owe a lot to her for getting me through that awful time. She gave me a lot of perspective.

I mean, the long and short of it is, (if you haven't already guessed) I really like this girl. I've grown really fond of her in the last few weeks. She's incredibly pretty, she's funny, caring. Just really genuine and lovely. She checks up on me everyday. We like the same stuff and talk for hours. She probably knows more about me than anybody else right now. She knows more about my current situation than any of my friends do. She's so easy to talk to and I trust her completely. We spent about 4-5 hours last night just talking about music. I introduced her to some of the bands that I liked growing up and some songs that meant a lot to me. Brand New, Death Cab for Cutie, stuff like that. She said she enjoyed them. It's a tough situation because whilst I know her and really like her, she doesn't live around here. I'm just enjoying the friendship that we have right now and hope it can only strengthen and if it develops into something more, then it's meant to be I guess. I've told her that I do like her and that I think she's great. She said she feels the same about me but it's obviously a lot more difficult than that. She said that if she lived around here then we'd probably be together, which does make me feel good. I'd definitely like to go and visit her sometime.

It's crazy because I've never been in a situation like this. I've never felt or thought about long distance with anybody. I mean I did it once with a girl who lived around here but moved to Australia for a bit. I don't want to get into that too much but I got burned, real bad and it fucked me up. I know this isn't going to be a repeat because this person genuinely values me and wouldn't do anything like that to me. For now we've said that we'd just focus on strengthening our friendship and seeing how things go. It gives us time for our friendship to keep growing whilst I continue to recover from everything that has happened. She's somebody that I definitely want to keep in my life, whether it's just friendship or something more.