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May 20, 2018 Sunday 6:24 PM
5/19/18 1:20 AM
Me: I'm coming home!
5/20/18 3:33 PM
Me: Are you upset?
Mixed emotions but overall yeah. I said "ok" cuz "I'm coming home!" doesn't really translate to "I want to hang out" so I was just gonna wait til you were ready or whatever. I don't know how long you're staying but I'm really busy this week anyway so I'll see you when I see you
Liv: Just feel like I never really stopped chasing you and I'm kinda over it right now
I didn't ask you to "chase" me?
[And here, I knew she wasn't saying I had asked her to do that—we both know I warned her plenty not to expect too much from me—but I knew if I were text this anyway she would feel compelled to go into more detail in order to counteract my supposed claim. Lo and behold, I was right, which made me disappointed in a kind of fucked up way. I don't know why]
Not implying that. Just saying I was holding on to little moments that made me feel it was a genuine healthy friendship and that I realized it's super one sided and that those moments can't override everything else. It's just I loved you too much and had expectations that weren't realistic which I get isn't fair to you. I just need time to not be bitter about it. But also do you know how much it hurts that my "best friend" has to be drunk in order to tell me she cares about me??
I don't have to be drunk to tell you that. I don't know why you are being so dramatic about it
[Here I think to myself: it is true that I don't tell Liv I care about her unless I'm drunk. I do that because I don't really feel that strongly towards her when I'm sober. But everything emotional is heightened when drunk and finally feel like I can match her level of passion in that respect. I do not want to admit that this could have hurt her. I do not want to admit I am in the wrong. I feel I have been trapped by this behavior. I feel she has forced it from me by expecting so much affection in return for hers.]
But aside from that: do you what need to do, okay? I am sorry that this relationship has made you so upset
[There is something wrong and careless about this sentence, but I can't help it. I am angry and deeply offended; it feels like Adrian, in a sense. A person caring about me as an idea without really accepting the way that I am: I am not clingy, I am not loving, I am an icicle being and that is the most that can be expected from me. If you think I can love you the way you want me to love you, it is your fucking fault! I tried to tell you, but you would not or could not understand me.]
[Fuck you, Liv! Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you! Fuck you! Don't make me feel bad! I don't have to feel bad about this! Why do I have to feel bad about this? Explain! Fuck you!]