LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2018-05-20 12:42:31 (UTC)

"Feel the Same" by ..

"Feel the Same" by Bully

And I cut my hair
I feel the same
Masturbate
I feel the same
Hope you're okay
I feel the same
Hope you're okay
I feel the
Same
Spoke with you last night (Do you still hate me?)
But you were upset (I miss you lately)
But I felt calm when I woke up (Let's just forget it)
Found my head (I won't regret it)

May 20, 2018 Sunday 12:43 PM

Good decisions that I've made in the past few days:
to move out of Brown a day early
to tell Lancelot about my tendency to self-harm (will elaborate on this in a minute)
to go to Alexis's house last night and get really high with her and Soom.

I feel so good and so relaxed ever since I came home. I think part of me was itching to get out of Moby's vicinity this whole time. So good. Yesterday was my first full day home and I just spent the whole thing cleaning and listening to music. It was so nice. Yesterday, Alexis and I were going to get drunk but she kinda ran out of alcohol after 3 shots so we ended up smoking out of her new bong too. We got very, very high. But it wasn't unpleasant! Sometimes getting high is unpleasant for me. But when I get high with Alexis, it is actually fun. I don't know—we are similar drunks and similar highs as well, I think. We just laugh a shitload at stupid things. There are videos, which I deeply regret, lol.

About the Lancelot thing:
yes. I don't know.
I told him that I'd been having a lot of nightmares all week (which is true—more than usual, and they stayed with me). And then I shared that I felt that I was more impulsive than I would have thought. I'd never thought of myself as an impulsive person, but thinking back—I mean, that's why I almost killed myself, right? Did that damage my liver? I can't remember. Now I take Advil almost everyday because I have headaches all the time, and I drink heavily at least once a week. Am I going to die in my forties from organ failure?

The bruises on my body have faded significantly overnight. Where the bruise on my hip was deep red and blue, it is now a mauve-type pink. I don't know—maybe weed is really good for the capillaries or something.

I told Lancelot about sometimes hurting my body or doing things with the knowledge that it could hurt me (such as drinking too much), of just deliberately kind of wanting to see myself bleed or suffer in some way. He was shoook. He said, "I'm not going to ask you to stop. I generally do not ask people to stop harming themselves." I understood. I think it's implied that that kind of request introduces a pressure without necessarily lessening the occurrence of self-harm. It just produces guilt.

Lance said I am selective in what I reveal to him about myself. I was surprised. I am always a little surprised and fascinated by what people say about me.


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