Scream Above the Sounds
2018-05-18 14:41:07 (UTC)

No more excuses

I feel like I've typed this so many times but tonight IS the night that I'm going back to work. I honestly couldn't give a shit about it really. I mean I don't imagine I'm in a great deal of trouble and even if I am, whatever. I felt completely out of it and was in no fit state. Had I gone in, I would have said stupid shit to people and behaved like an idiot. I needed time to reflect and sort myself out. I was in the darkest place I've ever been. Some of it still lingers but not as much. I have some perspective now. "On the mend" is probably the right phrase.

I don't really know what I'm expecting tonight, probably nothing really. I think it's just built up to the point where I've overthought too much. It'll likely be business as usual. I'd prefer it if nobody said anything but, I've never seen gossip anywhere like I have in this place, so it doesn't make a difference I guess. People will have been talking about me whilst I've been gone. My ex was very forward in telling me that she was seeing somebody else so I imagine most if not everybody know about it now. As long as nobody is a dick to me, I don't care. I'm not easily riled up but I'm not going to take shit from anybody. I'm not really interested in people saying "how are you coping?" "how are you dealing with it?" Fuck off, I'm fine. It just doesn't feel like anybody is really genuine and probably just wants something to talk about.

I mean the worst is over. It could never ever get worse than what I've been through, so that's something. Main focus is just getting out of there and closing the door permanently. I don't have any ties whatsoever in this workplace. I would probably only keep in contact with maybe two people at best if I left. I've been encouraged to quit by a lot of people, mainly for my mental health but I've got too much pride to just walk. I'm tired of looking like I'm weak or not good enough. I need to just get a grip, stop with excuses and do what I gotta do. Fuck everybody else.

I need to look for another weekend job whilst I focus on studying in September though. Unemployed at 27 would be a sad story and I'd like to have some income whilst I study. If worst comes to worst, I'll have to stick it out and stay on nights, it's not ideal but what can I do? The money is awesome, the drama is sad. It would be pretty taxing to study 5 days a week and then slug it out on nights on the weekends. I don't know, I'll have to just keep applying for stuff and see what happens.


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