Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2018-05-12 02:46:10 (UTC)

Fml

So today some dude finally said "I hate you" and I got the chance to say "I hate me too!"
So that was great.

But in other non depressing news I think there's a chance I might be open to actually getting my life together.

I might've written this down the other day but there's this quote from Casey Neistat that's probably also quoted from someone else that goes:
"What stand between you and your dreams are obstacles, the reasons you give up on your dreams are excuses."

And it's true that I've given up on becoming the quality me I want to be because of the home life I live and such. But I really think this book I'm reading about recovering codependency is going to help me re recognize the parts in me that need to change and the parts that don't.

I have this fear of getting back in mental shape and getting to that strange place where my ego sort of becomes are real visible part of me and all I want to do is stab at it but also I start to feel more and more confused about who I actually am.

Contrarily though I just feel myself getting sick of my excuses in the present. Like, I found myself wondering today about why I hate reaching out to new people. Like, I get it's the not wanting to put your own foolhardy self on the line and it's sort of a game theory situation. But if you stop thinking of interactions as transactional, and start to remember that having other people to talk to in this world is one of the few joys god's provided us truly, then why don't I want to talk to new people?

Probably just cus talking to them is a mirror of who I am, and I was just an anxious mess today.
And that was for reasons sort of unpinnable, although I can attribute some of it to crush nerves. Not to put a label on a thing that's barely a thing yet, but this dude who's my supervisor (but is my age) is pretty good looking it's no lie. And he's got sort of a dad bod and maybe a boring personality up front, but I can tell he's a quality guy to the core. And who am I to say he's got a boring personality? I've got a boring personality. And god knows I'm far from boring. I'm tantalizingly interesting. (I kid) ( but somewhere between joke and no joke)

I find myself more afraid of becoming that judgy person I feel so inclined to be when I get anxious or insecure about who I am. But it's so much easier to look outward and judge others than take the time to really understand myself.




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