Scream Above the Sounds
2018-05-11 11:50:18 (UTC)


I tried so hard to stay awake last night for as long as I could. I faded at about 1:30am. I had a really bad dream so I got up about 9am this morning. I need to try and have a nap soon otherwise I'm really going to struggle on my night shift tonight when I return to work.

I'm not looking forward to it at all. Not so much the fact that I have to do a "Return to work" interview with my manager. Just being back in that environment and atmosphere in general is something that I'm really keen to avoid. Sadly, I can't because I need to make money to buy things I don't need, to impress people I don't like. That's a Fight Club quote for anybody who's not sure. In seriousness, I do need to consistently have some form of income though so until I find another job, I have to stick this out. I've been applying for a lot of places but haven't had any luck yet, which is just typical. I really need something to come through for me so I can truly break free of everything and finally start again.

I want to be able to pay for my driving lessons, tattoos, education (but I've already got that covered). I want to try and visit Sweden at some point too. It might have to be next year but it's definitely in my plans. My parents would probably help me if I asked for it regarding any of those things but I shouldn't have to. The good thing about being back at home is that my parents wont demand anything crazy of me. They are more than happy with £100 a month which is really good for me. My parents are quite well off so I can continue to save as much money as I can.

I'm just going to go in to work tonight and completely nullify everything negative or that isn't constructive or beneficial to me. If anybody asks me any questions that I don't feel comfortable answering or topics I don't wish to discuss. I'm just going to completely write it off. I've no interest in entertaining shit I can't change or even care about at this point. People gossip and twist so much stuff that I'm at the point now where I just don't care. I have no reason to try and defend myself because even when I did, I wasn't believed. It makes no difference what anybody believes now. I've done so much better in the past few days with a completely different and more positive outlook. I'm not made to feel guilty, suffocated or ashamed anymore. Recent events have exonerated me and it feels like a weird sense of redemption. Two wrongs don't make a right is what I mean. If people were to come at me and start filling my head with stuff. Stuff I have no interest in or wish to know, it could potentially harm me. It would feel like a strange relapse and it's the last thing I need.

I've become accepting of everything and hold no love or feeling for anything or anyone now. The key for me is to learn how to love myself, and that's the hardest challenge of them all.