Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2018-05-10 03:31:12 (UTC)

It's a personal policy

It's late. I've got work tomorrow but I don't care much for that.
What I'm worried about lately most is how lonely I am. I'm starting to feel conscious of it now that my best friend Is back and I'm not sure what to do with that. I mean. huh.

But today I had a couple errands to run, and I felt for once like my life is still worth living properly. I thought for awhile about the way I need to change some things in order to feel stable again. I know I am lonely and really want a tight group of friends- a family- to redefine me. I'm on that journey to be a good quality person (which is a rare thing, really) and I don't have much time to catch up it seems. Well, I wished I would've been the quality I dreamed of in my visions since I was young of how I'd be when I turned 20. But now 20 Is almost passed, and while I've caught a glimpse of what it is like to be a person of your word, I know I have a lot of changes to make before I get there.

So I need to set up a game plan. Or at least priorities. If quality person is the end goal- I need to decide whether I am or am not some certain things.

Which brings me to what I really want to think about. Casual sex. It seems so youthful and fun and harmless- to spread love freely to whoever you feel. But when I think about it- I'm a fragile person who hides their heart. I only like to give my love to people that matter to me, so that I know my love matters.

Well I didn't intend to write that but that's sure something to think about.

I only like to give my love to people that matter to me, so that I know my love matters.
That explains why I have so much of a hard time loving my mother and my brother and father. When I put energy into our relationships I don't get anywhere, and I start to feel like my love, my efforts, my caring, doesn't matter. Like I don't matter.

But I do. I do here with my friends and at work. It's almost mind boggling to know how much I can matter to so many people. I can make a difference.

Anyways, back to the sex thing. I need to set up a policy with myself. Patti Stanger from Millionaire matchmaker has this policy that goes 'no sex before monogamy' and I think that's a good place to start. Until you know that you are going steady with a dude for awhile, and the relationship has already proven itself in functionality, then you can do the thing with the boy. I just want to protect myself and others from the stupid thing I did. I think having sex really ignites the biochemistry between you and the other person and intensifies your bond in a way you can't explain or control really. It's a thing onto itself, and I just don't want to put myself through that wanting to wake up next to a guy for months and not being able to. Literally we only slept together for 2 nights.

I played with fire and I didn't even know what I was doing. Breaking up the relationship before it even started hurted more than I expected.

I sound like such a non-adult. I sound so emotionally underdeveloped and weak. But eh, take it as it is cus whatelseareyougonnado.




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