Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-05-08 16:59:21 (UTC)


I took my first step in going back to education today. I feel a bit embarrassed going back at the age of 27 but it is what it is. It's just something that I gotta do. I either sit back, bend over and take it and let them win or fight. Usually I would take the former but given everything that's come out and what I've come to learn in the past few days, I have to fight. My mental health has always suffered and beaten me to my knees over the years. The past 3 weeks has been the worst I have ever endured. I wouldn't wish it on anybody. I don't think I'll ever quell my demons but the only thing I can do is try and better myself and try and find some sort of fulfilment in life.

There are 3-4 people that I owe absolutely everything to. For dragging me through this hell we call life and making it out the other side without seriously harming myself. I came close so many times but I'm still here, I'm still standing.

I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do but it's slowly coming together. I'm just taking it one day at a time. I think the list my friend wrote for mereally helped me try and get some perspective and motivate me to try and make something of myself. I was in two minds about Journalism/creative writing or having another stab at drama. The latter seemed too difficult and is more about "who you know" rather than how good you can be. You could be chasing it for the rest of your days. If I dedicated myself to acting, I would wind up like Ricky Gervais out of Extras, desperate. I couldn't live with myself if I was doing something like that. I'm not desperate to be famous. I would want a body of work that I could look back and be proud on. I don't believe in doing things for the sake of it.

The plan for September is to resit my GCSE's. I didn't take them seriously to be honest. I spent way too much time trying to be successful in a game called Counter-Strike. I played on a "semi-pro" level and attended a few LANs and tournaments. WoW most likely played a part in some sabotage to my education too. I just didn't really care enough. Not that I regret playing those games to the extent that I did. Those games are responsible for me having the relationships and friendships that I do with people now. No regrets, whatsoever. I still play them now, I'm just old and wiser enough to play them in moderation.

I'm just so self-destructive and I really need to leave that bullshit at the door and start committing and taking things seriously. Besides Drama, Music and a BTEC in Media Studies, I haven't really got much to my name. I want to resit my English and Maths. The course also offers Science and a course in ICT so that would be helpful. My friend did it two years ago and she said it was really easy. She's now going to be a nurse. I'm almost embarrassed to be around her. She's come such a long way and I'm here just fading away. I hope I can emulate her. I want to be able to look back at this diary and just laugh, at all of it. The stuff I was feeling, how low, desperate and pathetic I was. I want to be able to see how much I've grown and make a success out of myself, before it's too late.

After I resit the subjects previously mentioned, the plan is to look at courses in creative writing/journalism. I started writing for a website in regards to pro wrestling in June 2017 and it's a lot of fun. I wish I did it years ago. I've always been a fan, I'm extremely opinionated and passionate for it. I wish I knew that this was something I was good at, if I'm even good at it. I think I'm okay. I probably still have a lot to learn but I know that I'm keen to. It would be great to even branch out and cover other things like football or video games. I don't want to get too carried away yet. It's going to take a lot of work and commitment but it's a plan and that's a good enough start for me.