edd

Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-05-07 21:24:59 (UTC)

More Self Love

This is something I have talked about a lot today. Not in regards to myself but to a friend of mine. It applies to me as well though. I think everybody needs it. It's something very foreign and hard to understand. I've never really seen my worth or felt like anybody really believed me. I definitely didn't believe in myself. I'm trying to slowly turn this corner.


I'm 50x better than I was three/four days ago. I didn't go into work tonight but I'm going to have to face the music this Friday and come what may. I don't know what to expect. I'm probably in a load of shit but I had to put myself and my mental health first and if they can't understand that, then fuck them.


I feel exonerated and liberated, finally. Maybe I'll touch on that at a later date, it doesn't feel like the right time just yet.


In regards to self love, it's something that we all need. We need to treat ourselves better, put ourselves first. Stop trying to please others and just breathe. Pleasing people is important and obviously a very nice thing to do, but if you allow it to run your life, you will end up blaming them. I've never really loved myself. It's the whole reason why I took drama and started acting. I despised myself. I don't see any resounding qualities in myself and always thought I was a waste of space, good for nothing. Some of those feelings still linger inside me. By acting, I could forget about myself, step out of my life and my body and portray somebody else. It made me feel alive.


I've been talking to a friend regarding self love, and she's honestly amazing. I don't mean in a romantic way. I just mean generally speaking. She's very caring, friendly, warm, funny, just genuine. Great to talk to. We've gotten quite close in the past few weeks and she's really helped me get through some tough times in regards to the changes in my life. I'm not sure where I would be or how I would be feeling without her checking up on me. Probably in a gutter somewhere. The self love isn't regarding me though. It's regarding her. It's something I know I should put into practice myself though. One step at a time.


It feels like we're both cut from the same cloth. It's weird. We feel the same things. We've probably been in the same situations in life, we've been burned, hurt, a lot of things. We just understand one another. She's been having a tough time with her boyfriend lately and is really suffering. It sucks. I'm trying to help her get back on her feet and just try and make her see her worth. Nobody knows more than me how difficult it is to motivate yourself or put yourself first and make serious changes. You just want to cry and give up. She won't give up though, she's better than that. Hopefully I can be too.


I told her that she should consider doing a list, similar to what I did. Just goals, aspirations. Things she wants to try and achieve that will hopefully make her happier/fulfilled. I think she liked the idea of it. She just needs to know her worth because she's great. I'm so much better at helping others than I am at helping myself. I know what I need to do but I don't do it. Part of me thinks maybe I enjoy torturing myself and making myself miserable. There are plenty of times that I could be happy or have been happy and sabotage it. It's twisted. It has to change, fast.


I need to try and love myself a bit more too. I'll be the first to admit I've made mistakes, hamstringed myself in terms of development in life. I could probably have a good career in something by now if I truly stuck something out and committed. I mean I know it's not too late but I'm still trying to transition to life back here and get to grips with what I'm supposed to do and where I'm supposed to go from here. All I know is, I'm in a much better place than I was two or three days ago.


Edd


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