Sif

This life
2018-05-06 00:39:30 (UTC)

Anxiety

Well my son did it. He texted me and said he wanted ownership of his own phone. He wants me and dad out of his life. I asked him what did i do? and he said I didn't protect him from his father and that I am manipulative.

He has no idea how many times I intervened when his dad was mad. His dad never laid a hand on him. I don't know what he's blaming me for. As for being manipulative, I say what's on my mind. If that's a problem, then he's never known me his whole life. I blame my mother . She practically raised him by spoiling him rotten living next door.

I'm broken. I had the worst anxiety attack on Wednesday I've ever had. I had an appointment with my shrink on Thursday already scheduled which was a God send. She gave me some .5 mg clonazepam to take if it starts again. That's two in two weeks. I am kinda scared that this is happening especially when I'm on so many medications for bipolar and anxiety and shit. I'm I finally going crazy? Is the crazy finally taking over? I'm having stress breakthroughs. I've been stable for years and now I'm all screwed up. Heart pounding, hands shaking, crying, hard to breathe, full blown anxiety attack. At work no less. I'm sure they think I'm a mess. Not good when my review is due this month. Well maybe this diary will be a documentary of my tailspin down to suicide. Between work and my child, I'm unsteady.

Everything else seems to be good. My husband has been spending money like crazy. I'm waiting for the bankruptcy paperwork anytime now. There is something he's not telling me. I should ask. But I figure he has his reasons. I'll trust him. More anxiety.

I tried to start a conversation with my mother over texting and she shot me down. Well I'm gonna send her her mother's day gift and tell her I'm tired of this fake relationship and good bye. It's strained and way too hard, too many walls, boundries and no friendship. I'm done.

I'm at the Assisted Living home tonight. Watching TV, trying to stay out of my head. Just did the hourly checks. Everyone is accounted for. No one is on the floor. The floater for the wings came over and changed the tv channel to a Tomb Raider movie. It's ok. I like Lara Croft. It takes me outta my head.

Commercial just came on tv for new episodes of Into the Badlands. Sundays at 10:00 on amc. Gonna have to record that.