LustingforNightmares

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2018-05-05 20:16:08 (UTC)

Boooooooys


May 5, 2018 Saturday 8:16 PM

I just went on a date and it was actually pretty good! His name is a nice name, which is—strangely—something I always look for a guy. It's never a resolute rule or anything. I don't really like Moby's real name (I do not necessarily dislike it either, I am just indifferent), but I really like the person attached to it, haha. And it suits him in a way.

The date. The name I christen him with is: Ibn. He was very cute. He is short, I think around my height, and he has dark hair—which was clean. Yay for good hygiene, haha. He also had this nice mouth and dimples on either side when he smiled, and a kind of pointy but small nose. His front teeth were a separated on either side by a very small space. His eyes were my favorite part, though. They were dark brown, very dark, like coffee-color. One eye was slightly bigger than the other and they looked happy when he smiled, crinkled underneath and all that. Ibn is from Puerto Rico and he had a bit of an accent.

He was kind of quiet, but pretty funny. He doesn't like to read (I wonder if this is something that should bother me), but he does love narratives, I think—watches a lot of movies. I am glad he had a sense of humor about my quirks. When I told him I am basically a puddle, he asked if that meant people walked all over me and I said, "No, IN me, not even over me. And then when they walk away they carry a piece of me with them," and he laughed at that. I thought he had some interesting thoughts on the universe. He told me he thought about the different paths his life could have taken (he's 22, graduated last year and designs bags and stuff for department stores, which I think is very obscure and cool), and he wonders if he could, after he dies, ask god which path his life could've taken. He talked about asking god how many hairs he has on his head (he said this so seriously that I burst out laughing), and how he wonders if—in heaven—you can change your age or if you are stuck presenting yourself at the age you died.

I told him I thought it was hard to question your life choices because, if you were to go back and time and once again make that decision with the same knowledge you had then—wouldn't you always pick the same thing? He seemed a little mind blown by this and wanted to reject it but couldn't figure out how. He argued that random events around you could influence your decision, and cited that scene in the movie Mr. Nobody where a man in Brazil boils a pot of water and it becomes part of a rain cloud and blurs the numbers on a slip of paper somewhere in New York City, in the process changing the course of someone's life.

My response was that his life course wasn't really changed. For the same reason that you would always make the same choice with the same knowledge, that man would always make the mistake of boiling that pot of water; so in a way, it is the ONLY thing that could have happened. Had he made the decision to NOT boil that water, he would've had to have been a different person in a small but significant way, which just cannot happen. That is linear time, bro.

Ibn agreed and settled on the concept of parallel universes with elaborating on it. He also had this idea that we were living in heaven right now (I said to that, "I'd be mildly angry," and he laughed) and that when we died we'd go to the actual earth, which would be our hell. I thought that was kind of a fucked up idea. Interesting, though.

He is an interesting person! I'll probably go out with him again.

Oh, in other boy news. This isn't real boy news, but Moby sat with Marie and I at breakfast today. I was a little irked when he first sat down because I didn't want to see him. I have been desiring his presence and I didn't want to give into those desires? But I did not have the resolve to remove myself from the situation when it presented itself to me.

It was fun, though. It was just really good to see him and hear him talk. He always makes me laugh. He said something dumb at some point, fucked up his sentence like "I don't want that hapPEn" and this is something I usually do so I pointed it out. It's not that funny to write it down, but friends just—laugh together. At dumb shit. They have a cumulative sense of humor, and my inability to speak was something we frequently referenced; so he laughed really hard and the space around his eyes turned red. I felt very chaaaarmed by this image.

He was wearing cuuuute shorts with carabiners embroidered on them because he's a boy scout nerd! A nerd, I tell you! Once, a long time ago, he told me he looked bad in shorts because his legs are short. At the time, being unused to our interactions, I was vaguely displeased: I wondered why he revealed a flaw to me. In retrospect, I embrace this kind of talk, adore it even.

In the present, I commented that he did not look weird in shorts at all and he looked a little pleased. I like having this effect; I myself feel a little of that pleasantness to know I've made him feel good. I just.... like making him feel good. Anyway, Moby said he used to wear these cargo shorts that, like, went down past his knees and that was probably why he thought he looked weird.

Mmm, yes, he did not look weird at all today. His butt looked really good, but I did not say that: I just sniggered to myself with the knowledge.

I miss him even right now! Oh, I just love that boy. I am thinking about him more, which is a bit bothersome, but it is not painful like it used to be; I guess because now I have no hope haha. I have some hope. But very little, and I am not hinged on it. I can love him as a friend. I just need to keep making that decision: to love him unselfishly as possible. It gives me strength, kind of, to know that by keeping this thing within myself I am allowing him to be happy (if he were to know, he'd feel guilty or angry or—I don't know, but it'd be bad). It is like that making-him-feel-good thing again; it hurts a little to have the love be unreciprocated, but it makes me feel good to know I am not having a negative effect on his mood.

Oh! I don't know if I mentioned this, but one of the guys subletting to Goose and I is extremely attractive. I've been seeing him around a lot and I keep saying hello. I saw him like three times today and I told him: "I keep seeing you around!" and he said, "I know!" and I was like, "It's weird because I don't remember seeing you before this," and he was like, "Me neither," and I think I said, "Then again, this is a big school." I don't know. He is just sooo good looking. He has brown hair and these beautiful hazel green eyes. The boy seems kind of nervous and awkward, energetic in a way. When we met him, he spoke superfluously and kind of speedily. I think I am into that; generally, I like boys who talk a lot so I don't have to, haha.

Okay, boy talk over. Time to study maaaaths.


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