Scream Above the Sounds
Edd's List Of Shit To Get Done
The weather is great today. I've been up since about 5am, it started off pretty shit but it rapidly improved. I know I'm not going into work tonight. I'm due to work Monday night too for bank holiday and I'm unsure if I'll go in for that either. I just don't feel right for it.
I was actually supposed to go to the gym with a friend today. For my first time ever! I was pretty scared. She had a guest pass and encouraged me to come with her. I've spent a bit of time with her in the past week or so. She's been the only one who has actually taken any interest, bothered with me or encouraged me to get out of the house. We've been friends for years, we went to school together and stuff. We didn't really become good friends until after we left school though which is quite odd.
Anyway, her dad misplaced her guest pass so we couldn't go. She said she would look and find it but I said it wasn't a big deal and we could go another time. She mentioned the gym would have been rammed today anyway which filled me with dread. I'm embarrassed enough going as it is. I'm certain to make a tit out of myself when I do go. We're going to go on Monday instead now. I said earlier in this entry, I'm supposed to work on Monday but I don't know if I can go in. Work is the last thing on my mind right now and if they fired me, I'd probably be glad....for a while. I'd miss the money eventually. Even though I'm not a big spender, it's still nice to have. Plus with all of the things in regards to the title of this entry, money is a necessity.
The gym was binned off so she asked me if I wanted to go to Starbucks instead. I'm not really a big coffee lover. I mean, I like it but I don't need it, if that makes sense. I can get up in the morning and have a glass of coke, no problem. I don't need coffee to get me going in the morning. She's really tried to get me back on track and help me find some sort of validation and acceptance in what has gone on and try make me see my worth, before it's too late I guess.
We parked up and she got out a pen and her notepad and I asked, "What's that for?" and she said "We're going to do you a list!". We went inside, it was pretty busy. I didn't really know what to get but I liked the sound of a Caramel frappuccino, so I settled for that. Only a mini though, and I didn't even finish that. Shame on me.
She asked me about things, goals I wanted to do and try and achieve this year. It's funny how you can be in a relationship and everything is stable, in your head. Not a worry in the world, even if you're in a dead end job. You don't really think about it. The wheels just keep turning and you live. You're probably not happy with what you're doing but you do it because you have to. And before you know it, you're 40, you've had a family but you're still in the same job and haven't really advanced or climbed the ladder. You may not even want to climb the ladder in whatever line of work it is you're doing. You're just there, and you're trapped.
I'm in a bit of an awkward situation because I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do. Motivation is at an all time low and she's trying really hard to dig me out of it. I wonder where or how I'd be if we didn't talk. We continued talking and eventually the list looked something like this :-
"Edds List Of Shit To Get Done"
Learn to drive
Go back to education (Probably a course in Journalism/writing)
Start going to the gym regularly
Leave my current job
She then decided to write in big massive letters covering half of the page, "STOP MOPING!". We both laughed and I did agree with her. It's just difficult you know? I was doing so much better until I found out my ex was seeing somebody else and now I'm back to square one and it's just shit and I'm powerless to feel anything but pain and anguish.
The list continues;
Resit Maths & English, GCSE.
Be open to meeting new people.
The list isn't too challenging and I really hope I can hit the ground running and commit to all of this because it's the only way I'll be able to save what little sanity I have. Going back to education and trying to find something I enjoy and have a passion for is all I've got left.
She drove me home, I gave her a hug and I thanked her for the list and just being there for me generally. It means a great deal and I hope she knows it. She's somebody who has been in and out of my life for years but whenever we've met up or even talked online, it's like we've never been apart. It's always been fun and we've always had a lot of laughs together and I've missed that. She's somebody I know I definitely need to keep around.