Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-05-05 05:00:57 (UTC)

Spoil My Night

I didn't go in to work tonight, I don't know if I ever will again to be perfectly honest. I've been applying for various jobs in the past month or so but I'm at the point now where I don't even care about it. I'm happy to just let myself drop. Do you ever get that thought of the things you could do or crimes you would commit if you knew the world was going to end? No responsibility, no consequences. Some people would steal a car, rob a store, do drugs, murder somebody. It wouldn't matter because everybody would be dead in a matter of hours if the world was ending. There was nothing to lose. That's how I feel now. I feel lethal and that I could literally do anything I wanted and not care or worry about the consequences. It's alarming.

I told my manager what had happened and why I wouldn't be coming in and he said he'd talk to me about it when I did my "Back to work" interview. I don't know if there will be a back to work interview though. I might just not go back. It's obviously a bad idea to just completely sack off my job but I'm at my wits end now. I don't feel like I can continue or be around that environment any longer. It's hard to believe that this is the situation I'm in and there is no way of rectifying it. The damage has been done. Only a time machine could stop what has occurred. I do miss her, so much.

I'm not a strong person, mentally, or physically when I think about it, but I've tried SO fucking hard to beat this and deal with it and the walls have just completely closed in now. I honestly can't see past the next hour, never mind tomorrow, or the next week. It's the worst I have ever felt and I don't know how to stop it. I've tried to keep myself busy in the day but ultimately when you're home alone at night, in the dark, no friends except the alcohol on your table. It's the same old song and dance. You're scared, you're pathetic, you're alone.

I've had people reach out to me, including co-workers which is obviously tough because they all know each other. It's hard when they are friends with both of us I guess. Not that I want anybody to take my side for anything. This isn't a competition, this isn't about point scoring or getting people in your corner defending you. I just need people to understand how I'm feeling. They don't need to feel sorry for me, they can tell me to pull myself together or anything along those lines. They just need to understand it. I've never wanted sympathy from anybody.

One co-worker noticed that I wasn't in tonight and asked if I was okay and obviously knew the reasons why I wasn't in. I told him that I didn't really want to get into it because it's just torture and a pointless exercise. It's not worth entertaining. If I keep having the same conversations and probably the same entries here, I'll drive myself to the point of no return by tormenting myself. He said he could try and make things a bit clearer for me if I wanted to hear it but I didn't. Nothing can really justify this for me. The fact it's not even been a month is just madness, to me. I really do appreciate him trying to help because I know he's a good guy and his heart has always been in the right place. He tried to assure me that she does care about me and deep down I should know this, because I know her. But I don't know her, not anymore. The girl I knew and loved would never do something like this to me, but she has. I can't listen to justifications about this because I was destroyed and crucified for doing the same thing. I waited 5 months though, although it only went on for 2-3 weeks. I didn't say a word because I didn't know where it was going or how serious it was. He said she asks him every night in work how I am or if he has spoken to me. She needs to stop because she has no right to do that, especially now. From her actions, I feel like she doesn't give a solitary shit about me, she has no reason, binding or attachment to me now so she should stop everything she's doing in regard to me. I cant talk or be associated with her. I've had to block and delete her on everything to ensure she makes no contact with me ever again. Not that I think she would. I don't want this guy to be her mouthpiece either, it's not fair on him. I told him he could tell her whatever he wanted at this point because it doesn't matter now, obviously. I won't ever speak to her again, regardless of anything. I can't do it. I don't even know how much longer I'll be able to deal with this eating me up. The last thing I told him that he could tell her was that if anything did ever happen to me, I wouldn't want her at my funeral. I know it's bitter, its toxic and dramatic but she has done this to me and I can't help or will apologise for feeling the way I do. 8 years was a really long time and I'll carry those years in my heart until I choose to make the pain stop. In the bluntest way possible, she's dead to me. Not the memories or the beautiful person that she was/is. That will always stay. But she isn't around anymore and never will be again. I really resent myself. I can't really talk about her to people or even think about her now because it will push me over the edge. She has got me completely fucked up.

If she's happy then what else honestly matters?

I've always said my funeral songs would be:

Linkin Park - One More Light.
3 Doors Down - Here Without You.

Those songs always resonated with me incredibly well.