LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2018-05-05 00:03:36 (UTC)

written while drunk: why am I upset?


May 5, 2018 Saturday 12:04 AM

I didn't get in a fight with Karina, but we got into something. We were sitting on the bus a few hours ago, on the way to her friends: she wanted to get high for the first time (smoking marijuana). I don't like getting high so I took four or five shots beforehand. I ended up talking to her about my family life back home. Thing is, I don't much care if strangers here about it (as is evident in this diary). There were two other people on the bus including the driver, but I didn't give a fuck because—why would they care what was going on in my life?

But when we got off the bus, Karina told me that the whole thing made her uncomfortable and I don't understand the absolute shame I felt in response. I almost started crying.

We almost fought later when I wanted to hang out with a boy and she wouldn't let me, but that was understandable.

Walking back home, she asked me why I was so quiet and I asked her what she wanted. She didn't say anything. Then I said, "I know this is stupid but I keep thinking about what happened on the bus," so we talked about that, and she said it wasn't stupid, that she just wasn't as comfortable as I was telling personal stories. I asked her why she didn't tell me to stop and she felt if she interrupted me it would be shutting me up in some way.

I told her I felt hurt, because I wanted to be told if I was ever doing something that crossed someone else's boundaries.

Eventually, she asked me: Why can't you just accept that I was uncomfortable?

And I started crying. I don't know. Deep down in me, it is most painful when I hurt other people without knowing. At first she wouldn't let me leave her company, and she got me tissues while I weeped silently. But then I managed to leave and I am worried that I've disappointed her. And then I'm also worried because I don't know what any of this indicates about me.

Why am I so hurt by something so small? Why does THAT affect me and not the idea of communicating extremely personal stories in front of virtual strangers?

I don't know. But I think I might go hang out with Nadiya now to distract me.


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