Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2018-04-30 05:07:19 (UTC)

Just got back

So I just got back from that dive bar/club and it was aiight.
Not quite tight or poppin, or really my scene at all, but it was an experience worth being had.
My roomie got kicked out after like 5 minutes cus she got caught sneaking alcohol from some other peeps but whataryougonnado.
Mostly I hung out with her ride operator crew and we played a couple games. Honestly by my standards it was kinda fun. But you have to take into account that I only get out like a couple times a year. We hung out with some dudes and mostly they were a bunch of nerds (they were pretty much not my type)(although I do like nerds, just not those nerds)(god I sound awful)(but if you met who I'm talking about you'd understand).

My favorite part of the night was when this kid I was playing jenga with introduced himself and his name was 'mon' or something of that type, and I asked rather untactfully- 'are you an international?' Because, where we work, there are a lot of people from around the world, so yeah. But he said,
'yeah'
and I said, 'oh, where from?'
and he said 'cleveland'

lolololol [it was a moment where I internally died from awkward humiliation] [yes, exactly like any scene with Micheal Scott from the office]


Anyways none of this is really important except for the fact that I met a few good people and had a good time. We could go on to evaluate the ways in which I choose to interact with people. Like, tonight I spent a good amount of time hanging onto these two girls because I couldn't find the inner strength to drag myself onto the dance floor or into another social group. And, yeah, that's probably something I should work on. I want to be my own independent person and depending on others for my life is not chill according to my chill handbook.
god I am a nerd
I'm alittle worried about the way I keep on bringing up past events when trying to make up conversation with people. I guess it's just a thing I do when I'm nervous or insecure or just feeling conversationally uncreative. But I know [very well] it's also a subtle way to dominate and intimidate via experience the conversation when you overuse it. And also it just makes you look like a fool.

I want to get back to remembering that every interaction, every thought, should be measured by the amount of love and care it gives to the other person. I feel like that's what'll build me up through seeing how I can build up others. Sometimes it's the value you give that makes you valuable.

And really, I just need to spend more time building up my own relationship with my own soul. There's a part of me, the observer, who watches as my ego runs the show, and I like living life from the observer seat as much as possible. Just because then I can control just how much I let the love flow through me. (cus when it's ego love's a no go) (and ego just ends up turning every social interaction into one motivated by fear)
(so yeah, anxiety management)

And not to pile on the things I need to do, but while I spend that scared time building up my soul through that practice of getting in touch with myself, I also want to maybe strengthen that by dousing myself in enough culture to just validate my every feeling again. I need to let myself feel emotions to let them go, right? So increasing self expression, and encouragement through experiencing other's mediums of art is a must if not a need.

Also, on a good note- I think the bouncer remembered me from a party last year. Or at least I hope he did because he said he would take me out for drinks when I turned 21. (which maybe makes me sound naive repeating that back to myself just now) but I really would be interested in getting to know him. He seems like an actual human being. Not like most. You know?
And also he has the exact dad bod I've been looking for in a man. Too far? Sexual objectification is acceptable when females do it because you know that's not all we're looking for okay? okay. now shut up conscience.




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