Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2018-04-28 02:50:54 (UTC)

So so tired

It's a deeper thing when you wake up tired {of life} {or just the way you're living it}
And it's not so easy a thing to change.

I've been holding on to the weight of my family for far too long, and I know that I have to rediscover my dreams so that I have something to chase, aside from the hopeless dream of iterating past mistakes.
I just feel like there's something at home I need to fix, make right or confront. And I feel like its straight obvious if I would just be not so bent toward avoiding it at the same time.

So, still, I can retry to build up myself to be someone I admire in the meantime. But I'll still have a hell to pay if I'm ever going to make this temporary identity who I really am.
fuck me.
fuck it.
it's me.
who you need to see
tofuck.

All I want in life is to be a respectable person. And that doesn't start until you respect every bit of yourself. And I know that's a practice but it's also built on a foundation of trust and love with yourself. And why don't I have that?

That attitude's not helping. The closer I get toward thinking that there's something I'm avoiding the more I want to avoid it.
fuck me.
you could write a song about this I bet.




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