✯Sincerely, Me✯
☯LivingWithMyself☯
The Wrong Choice
Dear Reader,
I wish I could write everyday.. Last year I tried writing daily, and it fell through. I absolutely suck at daily things.. if it's something I have to do everyday I hate it. No idea why..
I want to write more often, but it's like writers block in the sense of I can't find the words/motivation/topic to write about.. but I think it also has a lot to do with how I struggle to talk about my problems to the point to where I don't even want to write about them.
I also feel like I'm so repetitive.. I can't help but think about if people read my entries, and how crazy I sound bitching about the same things over and over..
My ex best friend ended up resenting me because of that.. so that's something that makes me hesitant to write too..
I honestly feel like I'm the most boring person in the world. I hate seeing people in town that I used to know, and friends with.. because they're all getting married and going to school and being promoted, and having kids.
And I'm just a loser..
You know advice that you get from people who are so sure that your problems are fixable, and they say things like "make a change, start somewhere, change your outlook on life, you control your own life"
I constantly hear advice like that in the back of my head when I write or when I'm upset.. like in a demeaning, belittling way.
I almost hate to be honest because I know how it looks, I know how people will see it, and see me.. and I know I shouldn't care so much about what people think... and it's mostly just about how much I've been dismissed in the past by everyone who I've opened up to.. it's like it's manifested itself into a tiny intrusive thought generator that whispers to me all the time about how my problems don't exist, how no one will care, and talking about it won't help because they're just thinking the same things..
It's like I go ahead and dismiss myself before anyone else can..
I'm kinda burned out on YouTube.. and you know it's like.. it's so weird to only talk to two people. That's kinda what I wanted to talk about..
When I first pushed Nick out, and I was basically alone.. at first I was alright I guess. Like, I'd just play BOTW, and watch YouTube, and take care of my house,. And I even remember thinking that I was fine.
But lately.. it's been hard.
I check my iPod frequently out of habit, and there's no red numbers over messager like there used to be.. I start to scroll down, and realize the only two conversations I have to actually click on are up top..
Sometimes I scroll all the way down to Josh's conversation, look at it, and just scroll back up.
Chaz and Jon are the only people I talk to, and Jon's busy.. and we kinda just say a handful of things to each other each time we talk, and that's about it.
Chaz.. if you read my diary you'd know that he was my boyfriend my senior year in high school, and a year after graduation. We broke up for over a year and a half after I met Josh..
My relationship with Chaz wasn't good. We were always better friends than anything more.
We reconnected after Josh and I split..
He's a good person, but he just doesn't respond at all when I have a problem. He'll see the message.. ignore me for a few hours, and come back and pretend I never said anything and try to carry on a normal conversation.
And we kinda just don't have anything to talk about anyway.. neither of us do anything, or leave our houses.. so there's not much really to say..
When we voice chat, we'll talk for a little bit, and I usually find myself speechless without noticing it, and so will he. Well just be in a call together, and neither of us will talk. Because there's not much to say.
And we had a conversation maybe a month or so ago.. where we brought up high school..
He had just broke up with his girlfriend, when he and I start d talking which looking back, wasn't a good idea..
After about a week of us talking, his girlfriend wanted him back. And he had a choice between me, or her..
and for some reason he chose me. And we dated at school, and online.. because I couldn't go see him outside of school.. which he hated and wasn't used to.
Our relationship lasted a little over a year. I knew from the beginning I wanted it to end.. I just knew it wasn't going to work.
I'm not monogamous, and back then I really struggled with that..
So after a kinda messy break-up and months of no contact, reconnecting, no contact, and reconnecting..
We started talking again after Josh, and I broke up. And it's just been open I guess.
So we talked about all that happened in high school, and I told him how I always hated that he lost his girlfriend because of me..
I don't' remember where it came from, but I think I asked him what he would have done differently..
And it shocked me, but it didn't shock me at the same that he said he would have chose his girlfriend if he could have done it again..
And I think that's when I realized that he talks to me because he doesn't have anyone else.. like.. even though he says he loves me, and wants us to be together again, and move in together.. it's all because I'm the one he ended up having in the end.. the wrong choice. The wrong choice he sticks around because the right one has moved on, and he has no choice getting her back.
If I could do it over again, I would have chosen the same thing.. because I really do hate the way it turned out. I feel so bad that he ended up with someone like me when he had someone really special who he had a real connection with.. and I really do think that we made way better friends...
If I could do high school all over again, I would avoid everyone I fooled around with.. I would never have talked to Karl, I wouldn't talk to Alex.. I wouldn't have been a weirdo to Ashley. I would have just avoided it all entirely..
Alex and Chaz were my two main regrets that I would have reversed if could. Because of how much our group of friends changed because of it. I could even still be friends with Sarah if I hadn't dated Alex first..
If I could do it all again, knowing what I know now.. I would have tried to spend so much more time with J... All the times I was mad at him for not being around is so stupid because he's not here to see how much we missed out because of it.
J was my first love.. And I've been meaning to write about an entry about it for so long.. it's just not going to be easy..
He passed away suddenly last June.
I don't talk about it here because it's so hard to talk about.. I have so many people I talk about here who I've dated/talked too..
Him and Josh are the two people I really loved.. still love.
And both are gone, and it's not been easy.
I was with J since I was 16.. and even when we weren't together, we were together if that makes sense.
And he wasn't perfect.. he did things that hurt me greatly.. but I always knew that it was never intentional.
He's the only person who truly listened.. never made me feel like I was too much.. never made me feel like I was crazy.. he wanted me talk to him.. because he knew how much talking to someone who wanted to listen helped me.. he knew I didn't have anyone to talk to..
And I guess I always felt like even if I had no one, I still had him.
And now he's gone..
And it's the most painful.. lonely feeling in the world.
There's so much more I could say about J.. but I will eventually write all about him someday.. when I'm ready..
I wish I had friends, wish I had people to talk to. I feel so low saying that too..
It's getting late.. and I need to try to sleep.
Thanks for reading if anyone made it this far.
Sincerely,
Me
Ad: