xo-wallflower

xo-wallflower
2018-04-26 02:40:59 (UTC)

April 2018

Hello everyone! I hope y'all had a good month. This month has been crazy, but in a good way. I honestly can't believe how fast this year is going. We're almost half way through 2018. I'm not sure where to start so this so it will probably be all over the place. After mentioning over and over how I would like more hours at my second job it finally happened. It's not much, but I am now starting an hour earlier. Because of that they're getting me to do even more things which can be overwhelming at times. But it just means I'm learning more things within my job. I'm hoping to learn enough so I can move to a full time position. But at the same time, I can't rush things because I need time to actually comprehend everything. They're seeing if they can get me to start 2 hours earlier, but so far it's only 1 which is okay with me. I can't wait to quit my first job. I technically can quit it now, but the extra money is what I need. Saving for a house! My family didn't do Easter again this year. Myself, my cousin, and my sister went over and spent it with my grandmother. I bought her beautiful flowers that she loved. My grandmother turned 90 on the 8th! I told my work I couldn't work past 2pm. Last year I worked until 10:30pm and missed her birthday. This year I definitely wasn't missing it. 90 is a great age! I bought her a bouquet of roses. (which are her favourite flower) I bought the cake as well. My work did a great job with it! I was happy. And I also got her a bunch of scratch tickets. It was really nice to spend the time with her. My childhood I spent so much time with her. Now that I'm an adult I can't see her often because I work so much. I have been seeing Keegan more now. At least once a week. It's nice to spend time with him. Though because of my work schedule I end up going there late at night and I feel bad because I usually keep him up late. I make him pick a movie to watch every single time hahah. I absolutely love cuddling him. He makes me feel safe. He asked me to come to the gym with him as for he's looking for a gym buddy. He goes with his roommates, but they don't go as often as he does. I told him no because my lazy ass doesn't want to work out. I have a feeling he'll get me to go someday. I was talking to a coworker about this and he says it's a good sign that he asked me to go to the gym with him. Because a guy wouldn't take a hook up to the gym where there are other attractive woman. He told me to be patience and he thinks he'll ask me out. I'm starting to really like him to be honest. I do hope us seeing each other turns into a relationship. One night when we were talking he actually said he thinks if we were to date he thinks I would be the one to end the relationship. I guess he's not good with saving money, and I'm pretty decent at it. He thinks I'll leave him because he's not good with saving. I tried to tell him that wouldn't be the case. As long as he can financially support himself and works than money shouldn't be an issue. But I also don't want to rush things with him. Cause I feel like if I push for things it'll push him away. But I'm really hopeful for a relationship. He does make me happy. That also brings me to thinking I was pregnant this month. My period is usually always on time. So when it's not that's when I worry. After a four days of being late, my sister and I went out and bought a pregnancy test. We ate food and then I went to work. Got home after work and was feeling such painful stomach cramps. Next you know it I got my period. That was such a relief. Because both him and I can't afford to have a baby at this point in life. The week after my sister gave me 16 condoms. Him and I aren't having protected sex because neither of us had condoms. I brought 2 of the condoms to his place one night and mentioned if he would be okay with wearing them. He said yes. They were the one condom brand. I love the packing they come in. The front pictures are always different and have some smart ideas to them. Anyways he attempted to put one on and sex just wouldn't work. The condom fell off. He tried the second one, but it just wouldn't go on. He said he needs the magnum condoms. Which to be honest is super satisfying. Might be tmi but he has a really nice penis. A great length and perfect size width. Anyways he said he'll buy the condoms which is great because I really don't want to buy them ahhaha. I've also met all his roommates already. Which they're all nice and seem like chill people. I finally decided this month that I'm going to make that move to find my biological father. I'm not sure if I found the correct family. I didn't want to message the guy because I worried it's the wrong one. But I'm now done waiting. I need to push myself to attempt to find him. I'm not sure why my mother won't let me know who he is and it sucks. I have a right to know who else created me. I have a feeling she doesn't want her past to come and bite her in the ass. But I am determined to find him. One way or another. Whether he wants to be in my life is up to him, but I at least want to speak to him once. I don't even know what he looks like. I also don't even have a fathers name on my birth certificate. It's been hard to find out his last name. But one of my brothers father said the guy was his old friend and attempted at giving me a spelling at the last name. For the last 5 years I've searched so much and couldn't find that last name. I've actually found a name with a letter difference. He told me I have a sister. I assumed a younger one. If i found the right family I actually have an older sister. This specific guy doesn't like to keep his Facebook activated. So one weekend I saw it was up and chicken out to messaging him. I already typed out what I would say. His Facebook is no longer activated. So now I have to play the waiting game. It makes me so nervous because this can go in so many different ways. It also changes my life no matter what outcome happens. I'll explain what I mean. If this isn't the correct guy and he messages me saying that then I no longer have a way to find out who. I have nothing else to go off of. The person can also read it and not answered. That could mean it's the right person or wrong person but I wouldn't know forsure. That would also leave me stuck. It could be the correct person, but they message me saying the want nothing to do with me. Or it is the correct person and they would like to communicate with me. Either way i need some kind of closure. I'm also scared for it to be the right person and they contact my mother. I have a feeling my father doesn't actually know about me. But if he did contact my mother she'd freak out on me. She's doing everything she can to make sure I don't know who he is. She will kick me out. And I honestly can't be homeless right now. Overall it's been a pretty good month and I'm very happy about that. I'm a little scared that things are gonna go to shit soon. Life has been treating me too well lately. But I'm hopeful for May to be a good one. Positive thinking goes a long way! See y'all next month! :)




Ad: