Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-04-24 16:39:22 (UTC)

Round and Round

That was one of the worst night's sleep I've had since moving back here. Not due to anybody's fault or noise or anything. I just couldn't shut my brain down and sleep. It's hard to find distractions as it is but when you know it's time to go to sleep, you turn the light off or you're just lying in bed watching TV. Nothing but you and your thoughts, it's horrible.

People have been trying to help in the past couple of days but it's difficult and hard to even have conversations about it. It's all the typical cliche stuff like "It'll be okay", "You'll learn from this", "It'll get better", "You'll move on", "Time heals all". I'm not disagreeing with them, they might be right. It's just tough to listen to because it's not what you want to hear I guess. I'm not very good at letting people in which is why this diary has become such a big deal in the past few weeks. It allows me to get out what I need to say. It's different when you're having a conversation and listening and responding. I appreciate anybody who tries to help me. I've lost a lot of friends in recent years and most people that I do still have, they don't live around here any more. I think back 7 or 8 years ago to some people who were in my life then, that I haven't spoken to in years now and that does make me sad. How people can just drift apart, but that's life.

People want to help and understand the situation and try and make you out like you're not a bad person even though you've done shitty things. It's just tedious and feels like you're going round and round in circles and nothing is happening or improving. You can tell 100 people the situation and they will give you their advice but it doesn't change the fact that you're powerless to help the situation or change the events that have occurred. You can't change anything so continuing to torture myself and talk about it is just a waste of time. It isn't productive. The hurt will just last twice as long.

I don't know how I'm expected to continue moving forward or how long I've got before I just call it a day. I feel like I've fallen too far down a hole and the walls are too steep to climb.


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