✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2018-04-22 23:17:27 (UTC)

Wanting To Disappear

Dear Reader,

It seems as though I can't set up my laptop fast enough sometimes... because when I finally get to this page to write what I wanted to say, It's like I lose all the words in my head.

I don't have anyone to talk to anymore.. and even if I were to make friends anytime soon.. I just don't think I could open up again. I rather just have friends who only see the good, and be part of the good times...

My issues ultimately ruin my relationships with other people..

The only times I'm ever open is with strangers.. who I know from the beginning won't stick around, because that's just how it is.
It's been so long since I've actually made a connection here, that I really just don't even understand how I did it to begin with..

I just don't remember how to talk to people.. how to make friends.. how to be myself. It's frustrating..


Grandma and I were talking at dinner today.. and she knows that I dress the way that I dress because it's who I am. I've told her countless times. She just ignores it, and pretends that we've never talked about it ever. She still to this day, nearly six years after my transition from being feminine to more androgynous.. she tries to pressure/shame me into wearing things she knows I don't like.

So today she basically just said that I'm fat, and that dressing like a boy won't cover it up, and that if I actually tried, I would be beautiful.

I told her it has nothing to do with my weight, and that I dress this way because it's how I feel most comfortable.

She just gives me looks, and shakes her head.. words rolling off her tongue she's trying to keep from coming out.

The sad part about all of this, is that I've had heart to hearts with her about this a few times where I've gone into more detail, and she completely disregarded them... and I don't even feel close to her enough to even want to have those conversations to begin with, so to even get to that point is a lot for me.

So sitting her down, and talking does nothing for either of us. She's stuck in her ways. Incapable of change or acceptance.

And I'm becoming closer to accepting that.

That I'm not enough. That I'm just an embarrassment. That I'm not what she wanted. She'd change everything about me if given the opportunity.

It's not just clothes that she's rejecting.

I don't see her as a mom. I don't see her as a grandmother, because she's never treated me like she was either.


When she reminds me of everything I'm not that she believes I'm supposed to have been, it makes me see myself for what I am.

I have always felt like I was in the way. Even as a kid, when my brothers and I first came here to live... I never felt welcome. I never felt wanted. I never felt like I was part of a family..

And now, as an adult, I still feel that way. I still feel as though I'm just a burden. I'm in the way.
I do what I can to be helpful.. I want to be a good person even though I know that I'm far from one.

I don't fit in Rhonda's life as anything more than what I am...I still wonder if she only started letting me in.. because she just felt sorry for me.
I don't know if she wants to spend time with me anymore.. I wonder if that's over. Her life is overfilled, and she just doesn't have room..
And I know that. But.. I just wish there was room for me.

And with Danny and Heather.. I've always wanted to be closer to them... but every attempt I make always feels forced.. I don't know what they want from me. They invited me with them to their trip to the beach this summer, and I'm excited to go.. it's all I've been thinking about. I'm just worried about what's going to happen...

And I've talked about wanting to die several times here.. Ever since I was young, I wanted to.

But now.. it's kind of become apparent that it's not about dying anymore..
It's more so about.. wanting to disappear. Erase myself. Never existing in the first place.

I know suicide isn't the answer. And I know ceasing to exist isn't either.

But that doesn't stop me from wishing every day that I wasn't here...

I wish I could at least start over from the beginning.. be someone else.. having never done any of the terrible things I began my life doing..
Being raised by real parents who wanted to have me.. loved for who I am regardless of how differently I turned out... Being rid of mental illness, or better equipped with support and tools to fight them off..


I found out today my mom was arrested again a few days ago..

You know I've never been able to hate her like you'd think I would.
I think I just feel sorry for her more than anything.

To me it's like I don't have a mom, but there is a still little bit of a fragment deep inside from my early childhood that attaches itself to her as my mom... 4 years of bonding that still make me.. I don't know.

She's nearly 50 years old, and can't get away from drugs.. continues to get caught selling them, and spending time in jail every three to five years. I don't think I'll ever be able to understand how her life just.. fell apart.

I wonder sometimes what my dad would have thought about me if he had lived to watch me grow up.
Grandma said he'd feel the same way she does.. I'll never know I guess.

I know this entry makes no sense... nothing in my head makes sense.

Sincerely,
TheNuisance





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