Scream Above the Sounds
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I don't really know how to start this. I had a bit of a breakdown earlier today. Really dark and depressing thoughts surrounded me and I genuinely wished that I didn't wake up today. I thought I was doing better and okay but it's become obvious to me that distractions can only last for so long. I don't really think I'm ever going to be okay with what I did. I had a talk with my ex and wish that I hadn't because nothing constructive came from it. She said she was going to be okay though, so that's something.
It's very selfish of me to say that I don't want her to be okay and hope that it isn't the end for us but I know that it is. Analysing and processing that has sent my life spiralling so far downwards to the point where I just don't care anymore. I've come to realise, maybe I am that guy that people say I am. People have always defended me but maybe it's time to just accept the truth that I am an asshole and I am the dickhead everybody makes me out to be. I've always tried to stick up for myself and say that I'm not a bad person or I'm not as bad as people make me out to be. But maybe I am? I've walked through my entire life thinking everything is one big joke and now the joke is on me, because I've got nothing. I know you can say things like, you've got your health, you got your family. And that's true. But I devoted 8 years of my life to somebody. The woman I wanted everything with wants nothing to do with me and I don't think I can ever get past that. I hope she'll be okay and I hope she achieves whatever she wants to do because she deserves it. She's had a really bad life growing up and she would have been so much better off if we never actually met. I don't think I was a horrendous boyfriend but I definitely could have treated her better and just been a better person generally.
I just know that I'll never ever be prepared to give anybody else a chance. When I say "chance" I don't mean it like it's a privilege to be my partner. I don't offer anything to anybody. I'm incredibly selfish, insecure, paranoid. I've been hurt twice before my ex and chased girls and tried to pursue things that ultimately blew up in my face. I was led on by one girl for over a year. I completely mis-read the signs with another, told her I had feelings for her and then the friendship just never recovered. I think maybe that's what has ultimately turned me into this person. I just don't think I'm fit to have a relationship. I can't manage my own happiness, let alone be responsible for somebody elses. The thought of letting somebody get into my head, get under my skin, share my body with. It makes me ill. I just don't think I'll be able to do it.
it's a disgusting thing to say and the amount of bad thoughts I've had in my head are only getting worse. I feel like it's only a matter of time until something drastic happens. I don't know how much longer I'll be around. It will be in a state of bloodlust and hysteria and I know I'll have no control over it but at the same time, it's probably for the best. I don't particularly have any intention to live any longer at this point. I've wasted my life and made so many mistakes. Trying to sort things out and better myself at this point feels futile knowing the person I wanted to live, grow and share my life with won't be there. I feel if I ever saw her in another relationship or have somebody elses children. I don't think I would cope.
I've really tried my hardest to get over everything and come to terms with it but it's just not realistic. I owe her a thousand apologies and hope she finds peace with everything.