Scream Above the Sounds
This is something I've been meaning to do for a while. Not because I'm trying to convince myself that I didn't do anything wrong. I know that I didn't do anything wrong. I did something really bad, but it wasn't wrong. Regretful? Absolutely.
I broke up with my ex girlfriend sometime in 2016 for what we both thought was definitively, the end. It wasn't a break or anything. We were over. I didn't cheat. After 5 months or so, I started seeing someone from work. We always had a pretty good friendship and we got on well. I did have feelings for her. We slept together, this only went on for about three weeks before I broke it off in an incredibly awkward fashion. I handled it extremely poorly, among other things as this story goes. We didn't talk for about 7 months afterwards. We don't talk at all now. She's got me blocked on all social media. Not that I'd ever have any intention of seeking her out or bothering her. This wasn't a rebound at all, I genuinely did like her. I'd never slept with anybody else besides my girlfriend and rebounds in general are pretty atrocious. No good can come from them. A good 15-30 minutes, maybe an hour. I don't know your story or how long you go for. The reality is, when it's over. You're sad, empty and alone.
I told my ex girlfriend that I had seen somebody else when we weren't together. I didn't tell her that I had slept with her though, although she claims she had always known. I did eventually tell her that I had slept with this person. She wishes that I had never told her, so do I now. If I didn't, we'd likely still be together.
Working things out and her coming to terms with everything was so difficult. I'm not a saint by any stretch but I'm not a complete piece of shit either. Although you might think so by the time you finish reading this. What I mean to say is, I'm no golden boy. I was always perceived to be in her eyes though. She would always defend me and I failed her. I failed us. Disappointment is too small a word. I completely broke her by doing this.
It gets worse here and I have zero excuse for my behaviour. I thought me and her were never going to get back together. In a complete meltdown and panic I messaged the girl from work and asked her if she wanted to come over sometime when my parents were away. I don't know what was going on with me. I was losing everyone and needed someone. I felt as though I was backed into a corner and I acted. Shortly after sending these messages, I thought to myself, "What the fuck are you doing?". I knew this wasn't what I wanted. It was too late to delete the messages. This girl was going to see them and respond and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I don't remember what her response was. I genuinely laugh in embarrassment and then hang my head in shame. I can't believe I did that. It was a pathetic, desperate, manic and an insanity driven display. It was the behaviour of a complete oddball.
I messaged my ex girlfriend and I told her that I wanted everything with her. Which is true, still to this day. I wanted to move in with her, I wanted a family. I wanted everything. I've lost a lot of battles but I've never lost sight of the war. Me and her belong together, I know we do. 8 years is nothing, I wanted 80. She won't see this and even if she does, it doesn't change anything. We got back together in June and were moved in by July.
I think in our second or third week living together, I fell asleep on the sofa and left my computer on. That was a big mistake. She read all of the messages that I had sent to this girl and saw that the messages I had sent to her were a day apart. It was just chaos. I had no excuse, the whole situation was crazy. I don't know how I can be so fucking stupid at times. I don't remember what happened, I remember leaving the flat because I didn't know what to say. I walked, I walked, I walked some more. Probably for about an hour. I remember coming home and standing on our balcony for another hour. We eventually talked and tried to move forward.
Things get a little better here. Moving in with her was amazing. The best decision ever. Things were difficult but we made it work as best we could. We both worked nights for the same company. She worked on the weekday and I worked on weekends. I would stay up all night, most nights so we could spend 3-4 hours together when she got home. We would usually have something to eat and watch TV. We would watch all sorts. We watched Red Dwarf. We watched Californication but she wasn't really into it. We watched some weird cooking ASMR thing on YouTube. Almazan Kitchen or something. It was oddly enjoyable to listen to. We watched Bob Ross and also a competitive eater on YouTube called Beardmeatsfood, he's great. We also got two kittens, Raine and Jaina. I love and miss them so much.
Things did get bad though. We stopped having sex. I just couldn't do it. Not physically, I didn't have a problem "getting it up" or anything. It was an insane mental block that I couldn't deal with. I was completely wracked with guilt, self loathing and shame. The way I behaved was disgusting. It makes me ill just thinking about it. Sometimes she would cry and mention the girl from work and say "I'm sorry I'm not her". It used to hurt, so bad. I wish I could have made the pain go away. Every time she would mention this girl, it would make my brain hard reset and it honestly felt like a relapse. I had to start all over again. I think we only had sex twice since moving in together. It was making it impossible to be intimate with her and I hated it. I really resent myself for this.
She told me she didn't trust me any more. I've never been unfaithful or cheated on her but after I told her about this girl from work and the messages, how could she? My behaviour in general was probably quite shifty looking back. I used to lock my computer. After she saw those horrifying messages, I didn't want her to go on there again. I didn't have anything to hide. She would have just found porn in the history. Still, It wouldn't have been nice for her. She mentioned one day when I was sleeping that she saw my phone light up and it was a notification on Twitter from another girl at work. She asked me why I had her tweets "Highlighted". I said I didn't even know what that meant. I don't use Twitter on my phone unless I'm in work and the girls tweets I was allegedly highlighting sits next to me during Lunch. It just didn't make any sense. I showed her the girls profile on my phone and she just said to me "You could have changed that before showing me!". I just laughed, shook my head and left the room. That was it, the trust was dead.
It didn't get any better when she asked me, two weeks ago, why I turned notifications for Facebook Messenger off on my phone and I lied and said I hadn't. I don't know why I lied. I think I was annoyed that she had been on my phone and that she asked me that question and I just retaliated. I turned them off because I play music from Spotify on the tannoy in work and I caught my manager looking at my phone once or twice and didn't want him to see incoming messages from anybody. It wasn't because I had anything to hide from her. I don't know why I didn't tell her the truth. Another stupid mistake. I was just an idiot. That more or less signalled the end. I feel even if I was honest at that point, it was over. You know sometimes you can feel a certain tone or vibe through text? I knew something bad was coming.
9 months, she really did try her hardest to get over everything. Will she ever get over it? I don't know. I don't know if she'll ever move on from me. I'm not saying that arrogantly, I genuinely don't know. She said it would ruin us to stay together. She said it haunts her and will never be able to get over this and we won't ever be happy together. I hope she can be happy. I would trade or give anything to make her happy because she deserves it. I'm absolutely devastated and heartbroken that I've lost the love of my life and that she won't be the mother of my children. It cuts so fucking deep. I did say in a previous entry that I'm not a believer in Karma (or anything else for that matter) but I do genuinely believe I'm getting what I deserve. Which is nothing. No place of our own, no love of my life, no kittens, no family....nothing. I would have married her. I did always say to her that I didn't "see the point" in it or wasn't interested in it but it was always in the back of my mind. I knew she was desperate to get married. I had a plan that we'd go to France in a year or two and I'd propose to her at the Eiffel Tower or something equally as corny. Our first dance would have probably been Lonestar - Amazed or a David Gray song I think. I just wanted us to be settled and in a better place, mentally, financially.
Something I've learned in the last week is, you can't stay together just because you love each other. It just doesn't work like that, sometimes it isn't enough. It breaks my heart all over again saying it but its the truth. I will always love her.