2018-04-16 11:07:41 (UTC)


I wonder if my emotional problems stem from the fact that I just might not have enough serotonin in my brain. The biomedical model is pervasive in the way that we tend to view depression as solely a chemical imbalance. There are a number of socio-environmental factors for the causes of depression.

Why am I depressed?

I'm not exactly sure. April 20th is coming near which means I naturally want to smoke a shit ton of weed. The issue is the fact that on that day a year ago, I was with Shawn and company getting high and eating snacks. It was pretty hilarious. The kind of brotherhood they have I enjoy quite a lot. They're always looking out for each other. I have friends like that, but I definitely would want to be in a brotherhood. Maybe I should join a fraternity? Ugh. I'm not a frat boy though. Frat boys truly hate being called frat boys. So maybe I truly do belong in a fraternity.

I smoked and drank with Aren. We were supposed to hang out one weekend and we did. He ignored me a majority of the time while he talked to his friends and girlfriend. I shouldn't be envious but if you have a partner and you talk to them every waking minute of your life, is it that difficult to put your phone down and entertain your guest? So dumb.
I learned that I have anxiety. It makes so much sense too. But what bewilders me is the fact that my symptoms are mild compared to my mother. My mother is a bundle of writhing anxiety. It must be exasperating for her. I didn't even notice growing up that the word for it was "anxiety." Guess the grass is always greener.

I have a lot of anxiety that I think could be medicated with a shit ton of weed.
Yesterday, I decided to stop masturbating - again. I wonder how long I'll be able to go this time. The good thing is porn no longer interests me. People are stupid regardless of sex. I have to register to become an Illinois certified nurse aide soon. I also hate the smell of my jeans.

Current crushes are eh. This one Arab dude named Abdullah is pretty cute. I recently got out of something with Hassan and I met up with Apurv for the first time. I am sitting in a class listening to a lecture that we've gotten before.
UIS still fucking sucks. The Springfield kids don't see it, obviously, because they lived here their whole lives. Hard to see flaws in a place you call home. Hiraeth.

Isn't it crazy that this is my first journal entry in 2018? This journal is getting pretty old. But I'm glad it still exists.