Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-04-14 06:31:08 (UTC)

Breaking The Habit

Work was really something tonight. Just got home, it's 6:30am.

Turns out that my ex girlfriend has told people that we've split up. At least she told one of her close friends who then decided to tell three more people. I wish people would just stay out of my business. I would have rathered it come from her and not him. He doesn't like me, he never has. Probably relishing every chance and opportunity to humiliate me. Imagine he's loving every minute of this. I spoke with my ex briefly and she seems to be doing okay. She told one of our mutual work friends that she just wants me to find happiness, sadly I don't think that's realistic.

I could have all the money in the world and I'd still be miserable. I know there are people worse off than me, by a hell of a lot. I just can't help or break this train of thought and way of thinking. It's always been this way. Part of me thinks maybe that's a reason why she did break up with me, she couldn't handle it or deal with it any more. It's obviously not THE reason but maybe it's a contributing factor. Tonight has made me come to terms with the fact that I'm never going to be with her again. It cuts so fucking deep, it's unreal. 8 years is a long time.

I told my manager I was going to leave. I was going to walk out the door tonight. I just can't do it anymore, not nights generally speaking but the thought of people knowing whats going on in my personal life. It's just ridiculous. I'm never going to be able to get over this or get through this if I'm constantly being reminded of things. Maybe she doesn't realise, sense or understand the pain I'm in. If she is happier like this, then it's all been worth it I guess.

My manager is pretty gutted for me. He could see the pain, anguish and resentment I had. I've made a lot of poor choices that have put me in really bad situations in the last year or so. I'm not a believer in Karma (or anything else for that matter) but I do genuinely believe I'm getting what I deserve. Which is nothing. No place of our own, no love of my life, no kittens, no family....nothing. My manager told me that he had no intention of guilt tripping me but assured me that I was one of the best members of staff there and he would be really sad to lose me. He said if I was going to make this decision, make it. Don't hesitate, just do it. I think I have to. If I don't, the cycle repeats. I'll probably be there another 3 years and I'll never truly escape my ex girlfriend or my problems. I don't know what else to do, I'm running on empty.

It sounds pathetic but I feel like somebody there. I know it's just a place of work and it's not even anything of real importance. It's a clothing store for crying out loud. I'm really experienced, I'm one of the most experienced members of staff. I even had an interview for Supervisor but I bottled it. That might have been a blessing in disguise though. If I did get that job, I'd probably be trapped there forever. Right now, I do the majority of the work there purely because some/most staff aren't trained to do so. It will be a big blow to lose me, I'm trying to say that as least arrogant as I can.

I so desperately want to leave. It will be better for her, it would be better for me. I haven't got another job to go to though and whilst I've been applying for jobs night and day, I just haven't had any luck. If I'm unemployed, that will send me over the edge. I would end up doing something really bad and hurting myself. I've had really bad thoughts of suicide in the last 3-4 days as it is. I haven't had them this bad since I was 16.

I'm trying so hard not to give up.


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