Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2018-04-14 03:13:42 (UTC)

Priorities meet grief

I'm spending more and more time observing the way I spend free time. It's un-prioritized - and the winner of my time is often whatever gains my attention. I.e. social media. Television. just purely hedonistic pursuits of pleasures, be them intellectual or not.
It's [sometimes] fun [although I label it in my mind as mostly fun because societal conditioning] but I feel less and less of anything from it.

Even when I sort of compromise the purely hedonistic nature of spending time solipsistically by making it fleetingly intellectual, it still amounts to nothing.

Because nothing is set.

When I finally do return to the priorities I set aside to enjoy those pleasures, I find myself stricken by the grief of lost time.

Really, all I am describing here is the way I have a mountain of unwashed clothes to sort through and I don't want to. Which even that just feels like a symbol of every responsibility I have in my life. What are they for?
What do I value again?
Oh yeah, most of everything opposite to how I am spending my life.

And I just don't want to face it. idont want to I don't want to I don't want
but I will just
I wil.




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