Jen just jen

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2018-04-06 03:50:27 (UTC)

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Lately everyday at work I have that tunnel vision feeling where just existing there feels surreal. Sort of in the worst way possible.
derealization.
After work today I went to the library to kick off some of this surrealist steam and maybe get to the bottom of things. I ended up picking up this book on resilience surreptitiously, and some things sort of clicked together for me.

After reading only like 15 pages or so my sense of coherent thought came together (which is becoming a rare thing for me) and I started to see how my lack of present presence is stemmed from just living under this lonely corner (or construct) of society.

And I'm just living life in this way with half color by choice, or by omission of speaking out against the way my life is structured.. .
It's a responsibility I can step up to bat for- it's not an impossibility to expect this of myself. I'm just afraid of messing up, and I've been using the misfortune of what my parents and family emotionally can't give me as an excuse to make any effort. As justification for keeping myself miserable.

So since I can, I think I will. I can see how to change from here on out is to take care of myself- and get back into my body. Then, well, simultaneously, I need to respect life again. Life is a truly a spectacular thing.

Just staring at my cat tonight-i'm afraid of these moments with him I take for granted. He's a beautiful, majestic creature. He's got his own inner constitution and it's divine.
When he's long gone I'll miss these parts of him.

maybe it's leap of logic, but how can you not believe in god with such wonderful things in the world?




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