Wr1tt3n0ne

Bunches and bunches
2018-03-31 07:30:32 (UTC)

Happily Declined

Today I spoke with my father about having my daughter out to visit that side of the family. First, he told me a horror story about a lost child and negligent air plane workers. I told him my son had flown since he was younger than my daughter is now and we had no problems. At any rate, I could fly out with her, if need be.

Then I told him I may be looking to return to my home state, maybe. I am not a fan of my family, at all really. I have various and sundry reasons to be ever so much more than indifferent to them, but I struggle towards basic indifference. Healthier for me to let go of past trauma and healthier for them, if I ever failed to have full control of myself. I haven't lost such control yet and it truly seems that time has passed but you just never know about my family. Deep, forlorn and resigned sigh inserted here. He insisted I move near him and well that is beyond not going to happen. In fact, I will only return to my home state at all because it is thankfully one of the larger ones where I keep hundreds of miles away and still enjoy what my state has to offer. Were it one of those tiny ones, he surely would never know I had moved back, for my own sake!

He is all hopelessly attached to his home. I cannot pretend I understand that in others. Maybe if it was a homestead, the very seat of my family and our heritage, then I could see holding on so tightly, maybe, but these are just homes, houses, just poor construction and largely beige, so um, what is there to refuse to be parted from, exactly? None of them are the homes anyone was born nor raised in, those were thoughtlessly sold off years back for the inheritance money. These are the newer subdivision nightmares where you cannot recall that it is this house, not that one. So I have no idea why I would rush back to the state after some twenty plus years and decide to live near him. I can however think of a plethora of reasons to live, just about as far away as state lines will allow.

I insist on my next home being old, vintage, if I can afford it. I want the story and the quirks. I have my own beige nightmare and it is just about as vacant as you would suppose it would be. My husband wants some acreage and if we return to my home state, or any of the many other fine states where land is considerably more interesting than scrub brush, I am happy to oblige. I am toying with the idea of moving out to be near my aging extended family. I do have favorites in my family, an aunt and an uncle, and now we are back in contact I want to be near them, help them, laugh and enjoy all the years they have yet with them. They treat me like a daughter and I deeply appreciate it as I always have. They call when storms break near me and I check on them as well. Each and every phone call touches my heart and makes me laugh out loud. There is just something about them both that brings sunshine to me heart in a way that I hope family is for most. I am blessed to have them in my life. And perhaps because they stand out so against the backdrop the rest of my family that I cherish them a little bit more for it. I would move out where they are simply to be near them.

Then my phone call with my father turned in an unpredictable way, he wanted to know who would get my daughter if my husband and I passed on. My father did not care for my answer, insisted I change it, and I said it was a big thing to change my will and I would look into it. I will not be doing so, of course. He actually said he didn't feel that Philosopher was a good choice because he would not raise my daughter in the right way. That is so great! I know exactly how Philosopher would raise her, that is why I picked him. I trust him completely to raise my daughter to see the genders as the same, equal. That is how I feel and how my husband feels and how I wish to see my daughter raised. It was how my son was raised, to see individual people, not judge them by the genders. When he was young and had four parents (two biological and two steps) he saw that mental and physical toughness have very little to do with gender and very much to do with what a person has going on inside. He saw strength in character and body of both genders, as well as softness and heart in both. All four of us struggled to show him that by taking the lead and giving it up, we support and inspire each other to do better and be better. And I hope to instill that into my daughter as well. I want her to find someone in life to lean on, lead and follow, a true companion to journey through life with. Also my family is absurdly, laughably crazy in a clinical fashion and if they don't like what I doing, well, I must be doing something right after all.




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