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2018-03-27 15:24:17 (UTC)


"Casual Freefall" by Dr. Dog

I'm what I am
Instead of whatever I'm not
I'm what I am
Instead of whatever I'm not
Falling so casually
Walking down the hill
My time's gotten wasteful
So now I'm standing still
Right where I am
Instead of wherever I'm not
Well I back off the pedals
To hear the engine's hush
With no destination
No further, no more, no rush
Right where I am
Instead of wherever I'm not
I'm what I am,
Instead of what I'm not

March 27, 2018 Tuesday 3:26 PM

Mama made tacos for breakfast, on little corn tortillas with chicken and this repollo stuff and mozzarella cheese. I drank it with black coffee and was pleased. Mama lamented the state of the world and drowned her coffee in water and milk and brown sugar crystals and by then I doubt it was very warm. I poured the black coffee into my mouth and was happy with its darkness and also pleased that I could taste the water in the homogenous mixture. Water has a taste here, in Ilium or whatever I've called my home in the past. It's cold and fresh all the time, I dunno. I've always hated the water at my grandparents' house in California. It tastes like it'd been inside something plastic for a long time. There is some molecule in there, that deposits itself into a taste pore and travels as a chemical and then electricity up the gustatory nerve into my brain and it is something unfamiliar or something maybe bad. Some kind of foreign tastant. I avoid drinking water without ice when I'm at my grandparents'; the freezing cold of it seems to shout louder than the plastic taste, so I can stand it.

I got my hair cut short so it hovers above my shoulders. Caroline was like, you should get it cut short and I said, "My neck isn't long enough. If I do that I'll look like Lord Farquad," (who is lowkey my twin) and Caroline laughed and said, "Oh oops ya." This is stupid, but it's like??? I feel lighter? I mean not even literally; I haven't really noticed a difference in the weight of my head since getting a third of it chopped off, but I feel pretty again. I don't know when I stopped feeling pretty, but I guess I did, haha—even when I got in my tight dress and put on makeup and went out to parties, I wasn't feeling very pretty. Anyway, I got my hair cut and then spent the night hanging out with Marie and Nadiya. The next day, I ate breakfast food (at noon) with Nadiya and that was fun. A few hours after that, I got on a bus and proceeded with the five hour trip home. It's supposed to be three hours, but that is always by a straight line (which is not the way the bus does things). The trip is often four hours by car and five or six by bus.

On the bus, I joined Tinder.

Sunday: I went to Alexis's apartment. We talked, hung out; then drank (firewhiskey and vodka, but mostly firewhiskey) and smoked weed. I at some point cried about Moby, as is the usual topic of my drunk weeping lately. It felt better to cry around Alexis and Soum (Alexis' girlfriend—hope that was her name in my diary before). They don't know him, although they do know he is extremely nice and pure and beautiful. What I mean is—at school, I can only cry to people who know him and I feel guilty about that because, like. I don't want them to feel as if I am pressuring them to take sides???? Because, I mean, I wouldn't even want to do that???? But it always feels like they are reminding me that it is my fault Moby has moved on in the first place.

But at home, with Alexis and Soum, they just hugged me and said they were sorry. I mean, they know me better than the people at school (it is weird but sometimes I think of them as a unit even though I know Alexis much better). They know I am kind of picky, and it's a bit of a miracle that Moby made it through my thick skull and actually inspired emotions in me, lol. I am still surprised, although when I look back and think about my reactions and thoughts It Makes Sense. I don't know: they know me, and so they don't try to remind me that I am stupid. They just say they're sorry and they hug me and let me cry. And of course I will feel guilty for crying at them—but it made me feel better.

I didn't even drunk text Moby! Well, I did text him, but I didn't say a bunch of stuff about how I like him a lot. it was just a normal conversation, I think?

The next day was really nice! Alexis and I smoked a bit more, drank coffee and then watched Bob's Burgers... fell asleep on the floor... then did homework. I am glad I didn't get too high either of the times I smoked; getting really high makes me feel lost and sad and panicky. It's nice when I'm just high enough to feel it through my body, but my mind remains relatively intact? Yeah.

I went out with a Tinder guy yesterday and he was nice but kind of quiet. He wants to go out again but I kind of don't. I am going out with a different guy later. He seems kind of pretentious, but I mean, the point of this is not to adore everyone I meet; it's to get myself used to dating. This is my dry run before I go back to school.

Oh, yeah, also: Alexis told me some stuff about how apparently Adrian still talks about me all the time. And even his mom tried to ask Alexis about my reasons for cutting Adrian off. Which, ugh—partly annoys me. Woman, your son is 19!!!!!! Get your nose out of his relationships!!!!!! Stop being so invested in them!!!!!! And for god's sake, stop trusting everything he says!!!!!! I am just so annoyed with her involvement. What do my reasons matter? I made a decision and I explained it clearly to Adrian. It's over.

I actually really liked Adrian's mom too, but she's just so self-righteous and insistent. I can see the Adrian in her, or the her in Adrian, I guess. I am a little saddened by the idea of Adrian still thinking about me so much—but that was always his problem, was his being obsessed and unable to let go the idea of a relationship (I hope I am not like that with Moby, oh god). And we didn't even date! Ever!!! And also we fought all the time!!! Why the hell doesn't he remember that???? Why doesn't he remember any of the things I said to him???? I barely think of Adrian now and when I do it is in passing and without much emotion. I pity his situation, but in a way, it is exactly what I could've expected from him and in that way I am satisfied; I have been proved right in my decision-making.

I have been reading this book, Lucy by Jamaica Kincaid. I love it. I think Elise would fucking love it too. The book is funny, and very clearly rendered, if that makes sense—it's like the characters are gesture drawings. It's all minimalistic but accurate and I just admire the writing so much, and I am in love with all of the characters, especially Lucy.

Oh: I am also writing letters to Karina and Moby because they are my favorite people at school. I want to, for once, express my appreciation for them in a way I am not super capable of doing in person??? I am going to have to read my letter to Moby out loud to him (he has told me that sometimes texts—and in that vein, probably letters—don't feel real to him and he has to keep reminding himself of the connection between the words and the person). I hope he doesn't get bored. I know Karina will appreciate it, though. Hopefully. I am scared, but lately I have been feeling a lot of things and it is way better than feeling nothing even when it hurts so ???? I am good with this fear. It is exciting.

I want to tell you all about how much I adore home. I thought I'd hate being here, listening to my mom be sad for a million reasons, navigating the clutter, extracting myself from conversations with my dad—but it has been okay. I feel different. Everything is brighter, everything smells nice and feels real like its shape is right under my palms. Things usually are removed, far away, and I observe them from that place behind glass and think about what it must be like to stand around an object and know without considering that it is there. Now I am lying on something with a variable geography and I can feel it poking into my back, small mountains pointing red marks into my spine, my excess fat sagging into the valleys. I feel it! I feel it like trees with their hands spread against the sky! Everything is so close together!

I wonder if I am any different or if it's just my haircut.