a tooth out of line
"Constant Headache" by Joyce Manner [possibly their best song. That driving guitar is fucking great]
And then you finally found me, pretending to sleep.
You said such nice things about me, I felt guilty and cheap.
You took two steps to the kitchen, just stared at the sink.
I couldn't hold back a smile, I still wish I could have seen
You having sex in the morning, your love was foreign to me.
*It made me think maybe human's not such a bad thing to be.*
But I just laid there in protest, entirely fucked.
It's such a stubborn reminder one perfect night's not enough.
*It's just a constant headache, a tooth out of line.
They try to make you regret it, you tell them, no not this time.
It's just a constant headache, a dead friend's advice.
You'll hang me up, unfinished with the better part of me no longer mine.*
March 23, 2018 Friday 4:29 PM
I am in mourning, as always. Things have been funny? I don't know, I've been dumb. I got really drunk (REALLY drunk) on Friday and ended up texting Moby, which was embarrassing for me. I missed him so much. I mean, I still do but I feel a lot better. So yeah. In addition to that, Karina and I kept crying about our childhoods. I.... am not sure...... how I feel about that. We kept asking each other: "Why did they do that? Why did they do that?" I feel so dramatic at moments like those. What did Stephanie really do that was so terrible?
We also met a kid, who I will cally Guppy. I'd met him before but this time we were drunk and something was wrong and I told him what happened to me and he started crying and said it happened to him to (someone molested him basically). And we cried and ran all the way back to our dorm. We'd been on the other side of campus, because we planned on going to a party but just got way too drunk to even get in haha. So. Yeah. Then we sat with Karina as she threw up.... Guppy and I held hands and continued to cry and tell each other it was not our fault. Looking back, I hate this. But also Lancelot told me today that I really need to be nicer to myself (people are always telling me this). So I have to realize that I am still dwelling on Stephanie and, being inebriated, those private thoughts are guaranteed to come to surface. I guess I just feel ashamed because Karina and Guppy got molested—I didn't. I don't know why I cry with them like it happened to me. Stephanie did not molest me. I still don't know what to call whatever she did to me, but it wasn't molestation. So I feel guilty about this. I don't get to be sad like they are sad. This did not happen to me. Did not, didn't.
The next day, I got drunk again, this time with Eli. Much less drunk this time, though, so I didn't tip over the other side of wasted into despair (which is a sign I've had way too much to drink). Eli is kind of sketchy. I had thought he was gay, but he told me he was bisexual and I felt kind of bad for making the assumption. While we were dancing I swear he almost touched my but??? And I wanted to watch TV with him afterwards, so I didn't have to be alone I guess, but he said he worried he'd make a move on me if I stuck around. I respected the honesty at least, but he's still kind of a... weird character. He always says this thing the day after we get drunk: "You were so drunk last night!" Even if I wasn't. Even if he reaaaaally was. He's a lightweight. Yeaaaah. I dunno. He just lies about little things, or augments stuff when he talks, acts like he knows you. He really does not. Nadiya hung out with us at the party for a bit too, which was really fun. I trust Nadiya. Nadiya is the one who told me, on Friday, that Moby really liked the girl he is seeing. "She is hard not to like. She's just really cool, you know?" she told me.
I felt pretty content the rest of the weekend. On either Monday or Tuesday, I hung out with both Marie and Moby. I thought I was okay, but being around Moby made me like him more again?? Which was terrible. Being around the people you are interested in usually makes you less interested, unless you happen to actually really like them, which means I really like him, which means This Hurts. I asked Marie if he was still dating the girl, and she said, "That he is," and I got sad and cried a little in my room when I was alone. Damn, this whole turn of emotions is... fucking unfamiliar.
I just feel like I've lost him. He's still around, but I don't feel like he cares about me. Here is why he maybe hasn't been talking to me much:
- doesn't wanna overstep the bounds, isn't sure if I am okay with being friends yet
I don't want to tell him I'm okay with being friends, though. I don't want to tell him I miss him and want to hang out. I am tired of telling him the things I feel and then getting nothing back. I just want him to text me asking if I'm okay every once in a while, or actually text me like he wants to talk at least instead of just sending me little tidbits and moving on.
At least I have a plan for Next Time I date someone. I won't make a rash decision, I will talk to them. I don't feel like going into detail regarding my drafted idea but the point is, I won't let this happen again. I keep feeling terrible because if I had just taken a moment to think about things, Moby and I would be fine.
Oh, good, I'm crying. Not even sarcastic. I kind of like crying now. It makes my stomach hurt less.
I just miss him a lot! And he doesn't seem to miss me at all. I would talk about all the things I miss, but I don't want to make myself feel worse. I don't know, I just feel kind of empty and bored and I hate it. And I've been seeing Lancelot twice a week for like three weeks, because he said that I was "a mess, no offense." Half the time I'd come into his office either tearful or full on sobbing.
Why doesn't he miss me? If he does miss me as a friend, why can't he tell me? Why can't he show me that? Why does he have to do this? Why do I have to feel so baaaad? Why did I doooo this to myself?
As these thoughts are occurring, half of me is all: cool! A new area of my emotions to explore. And I am kind of satisfied in that. I have a lot to think about and discover; a lot to write about. I never realized how intense romantic feelings could be? No wonder people write so much about them?? I always found them overrated, and kind of small compared to some of the more profound existential questions. I mean, I was sure I'd understand it more one day, but I just didn't bother trying to learn too much in advance. I think I am still relatively clueless, but I've had a taste of terrible mess-making vulnerability and I think I love it???
Hopefully I can find someone who makes me laugh. And who laughs a lot. And I think those are my biggest criteria, honestly. Moby made me laugh all the time, and we'd always argue about stupid shit which both of us find entertaining. Yes. I'd like to find someone like that and then cut out my heart and throw it at them. I think I am now more prepared to face these feelings, so yeh. That will be fun.
I had a dream last night that included Stephanie, except she was Ann Perkins. And she came to a family dinner and tried to apologize for touching me when I was little, and I was confused because Stephanie lied. Stephanie said she didn't do it (but she did). But in my dream, she said she was sorry as she rubbed her pregnant belly, and we all feared for the child.
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