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2018-03-15 19:59:05 (UTC)

"Twilight" by Elliott ..

"Twilight" by Elliott Smith

Haven't laughed this hard in a long time
I better stop now before I start crying
Go off to sleep in the sunshine
I don't want to see the day when it's dying

She's a sight to see, she's good to me
I'm already somebody's baby
She's a pretty thing and she knows everything
But I'm already somebody's baby

March 16, 2018 Thursday 8:02 PM

It's been a pretty rough day. I felt anxious again last night, so I went on a long walk and came upon a park (Prospect park, I've learned it's called) and then I stood at the edge of it. There was this little wrought iron fence, which came up to maybe my waist, and below it was like a twenty foot drop or something. I thought about just falling forwards, but it wouldn't have killed me and anyway I didn't want to die. There is stuff I want to do with my life, things I want to learn. Not right now (I have zero motivation), but when I feel better. I want to learn those things before I die. Besides, people would be really upset with me. My momma, my dad, Caroline, Karina, Liv, Alexis, Laney, Lily, Marie, Nadiya (maybe). Moby would probably feel bad. I mean, I know he likes me as a human being so he'd be sad, but he also might feel guilty and that would not be okay. Whatever, this is all useless because I'm not going to kill myself anyway. I just like to remind myself I have the means if I ever need it.

Class this morning was exhausting. I got coffee beforehand and Moby was working at the Blue Room, but he was doing the sandwiches so I didn't have to interact or even look at him. I feel like the hours crawled all day. Today, I am not so caught up in thinking about him. I am not so caught up in thinking about anything. I have been very slow and numb. I wrote something for this thing called the "Mental Health Monologues" and I had Marie read it. She liked it. I might read it at the show next week. That is the one thing I am looking forward to.

I had therapy today and Lancelot had his dog. Partway through our discussion, we had to stop because I kept zoning out and Lancelot says that's a sign we should back off (was I dissociating? Lance tends not to use the terms for things, I think he doesn't want to bias his patients). I feel that I dried up and blew away during that session. I can't even really remember what we talked about except for this one part I told him about Moby dating someone else and Lance went, "But didn't you break up with him?" and I got defensive because—yes. Yes, I know. That was my fault. I am dumb. He said he wasn't blaming me, but I've fixated on it and I will hold it in me absorb the flavor and salivate all over it until it dissolves, then diffuses.

I am exhausted. I have spent some time today just staring at nothing, which has been good. Fun. I will be glad when this is over.

I talked with Liv briefly last night. She said the wrong things. I am not sure how they are wrong—they just felt wrong. They felt like—misunderstanding. Liv has said it herself, she doesn't understand me. I am most of the time okay with that, but when I am hurting it kind of bothers me because she doesn't know how to help. Instead, I spoke to Alexis, who is better with me in times of stress. Alexis is also enduring a time of stress in her relationship and I hope everything works out. I know Alexis loves her girlfriend very much.

Okay. I've been writing a lot lately. Sorry, I've just been stressed and I need somewhere to vent. Okay.

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