2018-03-15 03:42:08 (UTC)

A question asked.

I was asked a tough question yesterday and I find it rather hard to answer, but I will do my best. I have since learned that the Lion is a narcissist. In going back over everything since the beginning of the relationship, I have learned that yes, that’s it. He has everything from blaming others for everything that has gone wrong, gaslighting me, convincing me that I was the crazy one, all of it. I’m only recently coming to accept that he was emotionally abusive and that is just who he is. I have also been deluged in the last couple of months by his friends. Winged Monkeys as they were told to me. To understand that is to look at the Wizard of Oz. When the Wicked Witch of the West sent out the winged monkeys to do her dirty work. Before I put thought into my answer, I would first have to explain the last couple of months.

It started with him reaching out to me. Now I had been working on me since then which meant that while I was still working through things, I had actually been very good about no contact. I had stopped bothering with him. Yes, I heard things as people would tend to tell me things but I would mostly wave it all off. So, after I had finally started getting into a good place, he gets a hold of me to ask me about some piece of mail that he had gotten and thought might be important. I didn’t jump into answering him as I usually did. I actually had other things I was focused on. Finally, when I had gotten a hold of him, I had asked for a picture of the mail. Instead he simply googled it and said what it was. I kept the conversation sterile and answered but was wary since there was no picture. I gave him my address and told him I found some pictures that I believed were his and not mine. I would send them to him to deal with. I also sent some money that I had agreed to pay back as well, and now had the means to send it. I thought that was it.

A week later I get another message from him that he got what I had sent. Thanked me, said the pictures weren’t his, and again I kept it sterile and neutral. At the end, I had given him my cell number and said it was a shame that we couldn’t remain friends. End of it. Or so I thought. I covered what happened next in another journal not long after. Again, I thought that was the end of it. I was once more getting to a good place and had thought the matter was behind me.

Not long after that one of his friends would show up in the chatroom I was in. A longtime friend that he considered what I would call sacred. Another of his friends was having her friends come into the chatroom as well. I refused to do anything. I thought it was better not to react even though to me it was hurtful. I knew he was doing it for that reason alone. Soon after I reconnected with an old friend and finally am starting to have good friendships. Ones that matter. This friend was the one to point out that he was what he is. She pointed out that all these friends that were turning up were doing so at his behest. The simple point? He fed off the reaction he knew I was having.

Well trying to get away from it I went with my brother for my birthday to the Ren Fest here locally. I had an enjoyable day. A week later I had family visit and that was something really needed as well. That night while visiting another of his “sacred” friends messaged me on Skype. I chose again to ignore it due to the visit being more positive than dealing with that.

When morning came I finally read the message and was sick to my stomach. It started out with “I’m glad the rumors aren’t true…” That was like a punch in the stomach. I can’t understand why I would be a topic of discussion with his friends. He had made it very clear that his friends were his friends. They all despised me and always had. I shouldn’t have, but I will admittedly say that I engaged conversation. Most importantly just to remind this person that I didn’t want backlash from the Narc(Lion) because they were choosing to talk with me. I also explained that she was one of his friends and by his word not my friend. That I honestly just wanted to be left in peace. She would tell me not to overthink things (exactly something he would say) and that I shouldn’t read anything into what was said (something else he would say verbatim). I realized then that she was either showing him the conversation and having him answer for her or that she was relaying it to him. After the fact that he had someone taking something personal of mine from Facebook and giving it to him to insinuate something, what was I supposed to think? Especially when she was using exact phrases that he would use.

To this day he has continued to have winged monkeys come at me in some form or another. It has been undermining everything that I have been doing to get to a better place. I’m sure he’s enjoying that being the result. The only question I have is why me?

So, the discussion came up about if he were to propose getting back together, ever. How would I respond? Outside of what I’ve dealt with trying to date (the vast majority, see Adventures in Dating { Achievement: I was told that I was too ugly for porn or to try dating. That my personality is flat. That I should find some blind sugar daddy to take care of me. - Just gets better and better each time. 2/16/17} )

I’ve also come to learn a few things. I’ve had no real chemistry with the few that I did actually try dating. It wasn’t them, it was actually me. I’m now convinced more than ever that I will remain alone. I’m tired of trying over. I’m tired of getting my hopes up to fail. I’m tired of being the one hurt every single time. I’m tired of it all. After all the failed relationships that it is just going to happen again. The thought better the devil you know than the one you don’t. Logically I know going back to the Narc(Lion) would be nothing more than repeating the cycle and would most likely end the same way because he will never change. He doesn’t see a problem with himself and to point it out just invites more trouble. I do feel badly for his new girlfriend because she just another coming in the same circus that is him. Emotionally though, I still love him. That shouldn’t matter because the logical should win out. The problem with that though is that no matter how much we want the logical to win it can’t.

I tend to keep coming back to that no matter what it will just end the same over and over. I could set rules and I know that they would only be followed for a short while before he was back doing the things that caused things to end in the first place. I know that he will never change because he doesn’t see a thing wrong with him in the least. It will forever be someone else’s fault. Even seeing his ex-wife, she was nearly 100 times better on her own than she had been with him, yet she will still support his Narc ways and tell him that he’s perfect. He even told me that she hated me as well, always had. Just as all his friends despised me. I honestly don’t know the right answer for me. I know that if I went back to him, I would lose the friends that I have. They’ve told me as much. I was asked if it would be worth it. I can’t honestly say. I’ve grown tired of the Knight and the maybe it will and maybe it won’t. That I’ve come to know that I will be nothing more than a glorified ATM to him. I’m convenient when the real women he’s interested aren’t around. He called me “family” once and I don’t even feel like that. I’ve tried dating and that just becomes what seems an exercise in futility. Am I tired of being alone? Of course, I am. I absolutely hate it. I hate coming home to an empty house with nothing to talk about because I can’t even plan anything with my job. I have no one that I can just sit and talk about anything to. I have friends yes, but I’m sure they get overly tired of hearing about my day or what I’m thinking. I sometimes can’t bring myself to talk openly with them because the last time I was open I lost friends.

It kills me to know that he’s happy and has all the things I wish I had. The things I fear that I never will. I’m nearing year two with hearing how blissfully happy he is and that everything’s so much better because that “crazy bitch” is out of his life. That once he got rid of me his world is coming up perfection. That I was the reason for all his failures. Yes, I have been told that. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to know it, but of course that goes along with things. Also, I was told that he has been thrilled that I am getting exactly what I deserve. My friend has told me to stop trying to understand it, stop trying to find logic, there is no logic in that level of crazy. There never will be. That he is doing this because I was the one that got away. That his level of crazy will never be understood.

So, I’m left with if the opportunity came, do I take him back or do I continue down the path that I’m on? Since either is the same, I can’t honestly say unless it openly presented itself. It is very possible that I would put it off as long as humanly possible. Yet I also have to consider that as things are now, I have to accept there is no such thing as happily ever after. Not for me anyway. I’ve lost faith and I’m losing more every day when I see how many have been where I was. That it is basically a waste of time and effort to date. Relationships don’t happen anymore. It's the date fifteen people and hope for the best. Be the slut so that at least you’re getting something out of it. Hell, even the Lion was getting women to masturbate on webcam for him and sending naked pictures of themselves to him. He said it was just like porn for him. I guess I will accept my fate of isolation even if it kills me. Even if it was there. The things that I want will never come to pass. So, the answer is continuing to be alone. At least I won’t be hurt that way.