"The Lethal Temptress" by The Mendoza Line
Oh, I bled on the bed
From a wound in my head,
On the night before I sent this.
Welling with dread
from the things that were said
in the boardroom that left me defenseless.
And though you weren't there
I could still feel your stare,
And your voice, it rang cold and contemptuous.
So forgive me this morning
If should fall, worn,
In the arms of The Lethal Temptress.
March 4, 2018 Wednesday 12:55 PM
I did not sleep very well at all. In a way, this is a nice kind of pain, though. It feels... productive. And every once in awhile, I get a little glimpse at the light, you know? Like if there were sheets of paper covering a window, and hands moving in circles against those sheets, and most of the time they overlap and block out the light but every once in awhile the window behind shines through. Plus, I cried a lot and that felt good. I've pretty much been at the edge of tears since eleven last night.
This is the most visibly upset I've been in a long time. Karina saw me crying in the bathroom last night, before my conversation with Moby was over (god even the thought of him makes me hurt but at least now it's not longing—I feel weirdly betrayed, even if I don't totally have a right to that emotion). She didn't know what to do and I didn't know what I needed. At around half past one or two in the morning, I grabbed my coat and phone and ID and I walked out the back door and just walked down the street literally sobbing. God, that felt amazing. I was so cold, shivering violently. It was kind of disgusting, though, because I was really snotty and at one point I inhaled a chunk of hair and it got caught in the phlegm of the back of my throat. Hahaha. But it's okay, because at least I got to cry and, you know, express my emotions. I normally try to stuff it down.
I feel better, though, you know? My moods are less crazy. And at least now I am not feeling gaslighted. I mean, I knew something was weird between Moby and I, but I wasn't sure if I was imagining it. It was his fucking! Secrecy! Is what it was.
I couldn't sleep until sometimes past four in the morning. I skipped calculus this morning. I didn't like the idea of leaving bed, so I just went back to sleep. I got up a half hour before my biology exam and went to the Ratty for coffee and a bagel. When I looked in the mirror, I was appalled. My eyes were swollen and I was very pale and disheveled. It was disgusting, haha. I saw Karina at the Ratty and I surprised myself by not being able to will a real smile onto my face??? Like, I literally felt incapable of smiling. I could tell she was worried when I didn't respond to her teasing, but I was just trying not to cry. I only ate about half my bagel and then threw it away because it turned out I wasn't hungry.
In the midterm, I saw Marie and asked her for a pencil (I forgot mine). I tried to avoid prolonged eye contact. A couple times I almost cried over my paper, and it was hard to concentrate on my exam, but honestly after two last night I decided that I had no hope for this exam. I'm not a bio major, so who cares? After the exam, Marie asked me if I had a rough night and when I said yes she was like, "I can tell." We went to the Blue Room for a bit, and I started to feel better, but then Moby showed up so I left. I mean, these are his friends and he is still a wonderful human being so I want him to be surrounded by loved ones. They're not my friends, really. I mean, kind of, but mostly not. So I don't have domain over them, I can't just chase him out. It made me feel very lonely, but I mean. Was I gonna stay there and just avoid looking at him? Nah. It was easier to leave. I felt calm and sad. I am so relieved.
So yeah. Here I am. I like the weather today. There was a big snowstorm yesterday, and now there's just blue sky and melting snow. It's hopeful! Yeah. Yeah. I will be okay.