LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
Ad 2:
2018-03-14 12:43:19 (UTC)

I did not sleep until 4 AM, skipped calc, and nearly cried over my bio exam

March 14, 2018 Wednesday 12:43 PM

Me:
5:06 PM
Do u want to go a snow walk with me later????
8:02 PM
Did u not get this text or is that a no?

Moby:
9:04 PM
Sorry! I didn't see it--I don't know if I'll be able to, sorry

Me:
9:45 PM
Ok

Moby:
10:39 PM
Hey sorry I feel bad about not responding for a while

Me:
10:40 PM
It's normally okay, it's just that like. I haven't seen u in awhile and whenever we see each other I do something weird and??? I am just trying to figure out how to be friends with you without messing it up and so I worried that I messed something up

Moby:
10:53 PM
We're good Veronica, I promise
Do you want to get lunch tomorrow?

Me:
I don't know. Can I let you know tomorrow?

Moby:
Yeah, no rush
If you want to talk about anything I can

Me:
What do you mean?

Moby:
Well bc you said tho we feel weird so like if you want to talk about that?

Me:
What is there to talk about there, though? That is a genuine question.

Moby:
I don't know? I just want to help if I can

Me:
But you know why I feel weird. Right? I mean other than I'm a paranoid little bee 🐝

Moby:
I think so? I realize there's not much I myself can do

Me:
Yyeeeah. Idk what to do about that
11:3something PM
How are you able to get past your emotions so easily???? Do you just make it look easy? I’m sorry for all this, btw, but—I don’t know about you, but for me, I think it feels better to talk about it with you. Also I realize you might be asleep so I will be fine if you don’t answer this one haha. Also if you don’t like talking about this please let me know.

Moby:
No I'm awake, and I'm more than happy to talk about this

Me:
yes, okay. well same question.

Moby:
I've been really busy, which has honestly helped me with emotions. When I'm active and focused on things it lets me process emotions in the background so when I'm done I feel like I've come to a better place
It also took a lot of me being angry at everything to get here though

Me:
like. in the past?

Moby:
Yes--my senior year of high school was much of me being angry and thinking about who I am
And who I want to be

Me:
okay. I know who I am. I know what I am working towards—but I’ve always been really bad at the processing part. i just feel things (cough, mostly fear). intensely. for a while. how to alleviate that, is what i am trying to figure out, bc it has been making my life less fun.

Moby:
I'm not totally sure how to help with that. When I feel things I go outside and find somewhere quiet and scream into the void

Me:
I'm laughing
No, yeah, sorry I don't think you can help with that anyway.

Moby:
I'm not sure what I can do, but if it helps talking about how you're feeling, you can always talk to me

Me:
File Transfer: 54269653579__AFA07640-80EF-431A-8E60-7C62E4FC53D6.JPG THESE ARE OUR SINKS
[it's a picture of our sink, with the label TOTO. He loves Africa and I hate it, so we're always sharing memes about it]

Moby:
GOOD

Me:
It does help! But like. Okay I need you to tell me again that you don't want anything romantic please and I will most definitely cry but I??? Keep needing???? The reminder????
(NOT GOOD I HATE IT)

Moby:
I can continue to tell you that as much as you need

Me:
Then remind me now! I need the actual words.

Moby:
I don't want anything romantic between us. We can't be more than platonic

Me:
Okay, okay okay
Why? Can I ask why?

Moby:
I've kind of started seeing someone

Me:
ah. Ok

Moby:
Also. I know that I would be insecure bc you'd already told me no once before
I'm sorry

Me:
1) u like someone else now
2) insecurity is not something u can get past?

Moby:
Yes, I like someone else

Me:
Okay

Moby:
And I don't know?? Every time I've been insecure in this stuff I've been right and I know you deserve a better answer but I don't know if I can give you one

Me:
Confirmation bias asshole!!! Sorry I don't actually think you're an asshole I'm sorry sorry sorry ugh also I know I could delete that but please let me call you an asshole

Moby:
No no call me an asshole
Be angry with me

Me:
I am so mad at myself! Less you. A little bit you, though, because god damn it I tried to tell you I am like this! But I'm not wrong now, like about my feelings.
It's stupid but I was scared!!! And I was worried I'd hurt you (which I did) and just. This whole thing is very stupid
Please understand I am not trying to interfere with your relationship. I just–want to get it out there?

Moby:
No get it out there, please be honest with me
And I understand if you're mad at me. I'd be mad at me

Me:
Ugh what do you want to know??? I don't really like people a lot (or almost ever) and when I do it confuses me so I was very confused. I know that's not an excuse okay. But it's what I was thinking, and I think too much
Yes I am really mad
I don't feel like I have much a right to be but I am
I'm mad Bc I had a feeling you were talking to someone else but I didn't know it was??? Like a real thing??? Ugh
General anger Jesus Christ

Moby:
You do have a right to be mad though

Me:
I'n mad that you're so nice.
Not real mad but bitter
How do I have the right!!! I don't know
Most of this has just been unfair to you
I am going to exit the building. To cry

Moby:
Because I moved on too quickly. And I didn't say anything which I feel like made things worse.

Me:
It did, it reallllly did

Moby:
I know, and I'm sorry. That probably doesn't sound like much, but I am very, very sorry

Me:
It doesn't sound like anything, no

Moby:
This is my fault. I've behaved like an ass and you deserve better than this

Me:
How soon?
It seemed like by the next weekend

Moby:
We met on tinder a few days after you told me you didn't want to be a thing. We went on a date the next weekend

Me:
Okay
I guess I don't know what else to say
I'm just sad

Moby:
I'm sorry. I understand if you don't want to see me anymore

Me:
It's not that simple
People talk about you to me
I mean I definitely don't want to see you for awhile
I am very pissed (and still aware that this is partially my fault)
God I knew there was something and you didn't fucking tell me!

Moby:
Do you want me to leave you alone now?

Me:
Ugh no I never want you to leave me alone. Which is frustrating. You asshole
Okay I'm done berating you, sorry

Moby:
Don't be sorry, I've been an asshole to you
That was more me asking if you want me to give you some space, if that will help

Me:
Yes.

Moby:
Okay. I'm going to give you space, if you want to talk you can let me know

Me:
2 AM
I want to get everything I have to say to you out of the way. I probably will think of more things but you are a good human and if I am going to hurt you I don't want to repeat it. So here:
You have made me feel worse than I have in a while. I'll get over it, because I'm "tough" according to some people. You made me feel guilty and, now, I guess replaceable? God I keep wanting to go back and edit myself because obviously you haven't MADE me feel anything... I don't know, I am just really really fucking hurt. Embarrassed, Bc I actually let myself be vulnerable with you??? And for what.
And I'm Really hurt that, just like that, your feelings for me are gone. I can't help but feel kind of unworthy after that, okay?
And are you not honest? I try to be honest with you (arguably why we are in this mess), why didn't you do the same??? How could you not tell me???
I am just trying to understand how you could just let go of me like that.
And to balance it out:
I am sorry I just. Ended things based on, like, a dream I had. I understand you are a little more familiar with romantic stuff, so it must've seemed like I was sure. And, you know, I was sure. For like two hours. And I can understand why you don't trust that won't happen again. I mean, it won't happen in the future with anyone else because now I know what to look for but the distrust it inspires makes sense to me. I am really sorry for that.
I am sorry I am like this, basically. It's not sustainable, I know, and I'm really trying to work on it.
Also, I'm sorry i still have hope! I should not lol. I do, though, even though I'm hurt! What a mess.
Sorry I know this is mostly gibberish. You can reply to this if you'd like. After that, nah. (Thank you for letting me be mad at you. If you didn't, I would've taken this all out on myself.)


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