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2018-03-10 15:51:47 (UTC)

had a nightmare that screaming creatures rattled the doorknob of my subterranean room, but i stayed locked in there and could not sleep because there were spiders in the windows

"Happy Hearts" by Okkervil River (featuring Daniel Johnston)

Why must happy hearts break so hard?
Leave you curled up in the back seat of a car
Staring up at the windshield,
When will broken hearts learn how to heal?

This boy I knew was five years older than me
His daddy left him when he was three
After we went walking by a stream
He held me down and made me feel as bad as he.***

Why must happy hearts break so hard?
Leave you standing in the darkness of the barn
Staring at those rusty wheels,
When will broken hearts learn how to heal?

And everybody’s searching for a place to put their love.
See the people on the street - they go home, and what do you think they dream of?
U-n-c-o-n-d-i-t-i-o-n-a-l l-o-v-e.
Why did you leave me?

Mother, oh, why do you sleep with him?
He says he’s smothering, then he comes back again
In our house for the weekend
Why must people’s breaking hearts pretend?

Why must happy hearts break so hard?
Leave you staring in the mirror at a bar
Leave you talking to yourself,
'Cause you can’t talk to anybody else.

March 10, 2018 Saturday 2:55 PM

I! Have been injected! With the elixir of unfeeling! All that now exits my body is waste, a cleanse, the way in which the elixir rids you of externally affected emotion! I will not cry! For I feel nothing but the beat of my heart. I will not worry! For urgency is foreign.

It dwells deeply, and is expunged by poison to the very surface of my skin where I hope it will stay, where I hope it will dry up and become crusted like salt deposits, and I can scrape it off with a knife. Shhck, shhck, shcck, is the sound it will make against my blade and it will season your food and the floor.

At the same time, I am humiliated by my own imagination—I want to crawl backwards, into a warm space in which I can close my eyes and not have nightmares (because as much as I claim I like them, I am tired of having nightmares EVERY! TIME! I SLEEP! Following me into wakefulness!). I kind of want to drop out of school, but weirdly enough, the academic part of my life is not the worst part of everything. I want to drop out of school to rest myself, rest my rocky emotions, because I am incredibly confused and I feel like it's definitely a bad sign if you're looking for control in the amount of food you eat or looking to forget yourself in alcohol or if your therapist says, "I'm kind of worried."

I am fine. But my stomach hurts, and has been hurting since last week. And I feel something close to despair when I spend too much time alone. And I am worried that I am not okay—and if I am not okay, I will be upset. I mean, that's a given. But I don't want them to be correct when they're concerned. I don't want them to see when I'm not right.

It's okay, I'm all right. Says the lead ball hovering in my abdomen—up and to the left of the Pain. But really, I am okay. Or, more accurately, I am not okay at all and I don't know why. This seems needlessly complicated. Can't I just be happy? Who am I asking? Who is in charge of this?

Does it have to be me again?

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