Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2018-03-09 02:23:21 (UTC)

Red, Dufresne & Hope

I told my therapist I would make an effort to start talking with the people at work this week. And today I didn't. Not today.

It is hard to understand for me, especially at times like these, where I find myself naturally tense. And naturally inclined to neglect my own needs of love and understanding.

I wanted to have enough care for myself so that it spread out to others. That's the kind of connection I want to build. It seems we also have to forge relationships when we don't care about ourselves- but I suppose a mixture of habits and fear of change led me to stay this dull way.

It's my understanding that we teach others how to care for us by the way we treat ourselves. Maybe I am setting an example by doing my best to treat my shy tendencies Kindly. Even when the lack of filled silence builds up to speak volumes, I do my best to pay it no attention, and then I wonder if I am doing well by myself. I am just trying to be patient (I don't want to skip the need for love and understanding on the pursuit of my biggest life dreams)

At least the people I work with are treating me well (although it's unclear for me if I am doing the same for them). I recognized the look I was afraid of in my boss' eyes as something more empathetic than expected. My boss is a strong woman, and I think she can really understand me more than I give credit for. I think what she is is seeking out if my anxiety is of the apathetic nature, and if I am a salvageable soul or not.

I suppose I was right to be afraid of it then, because my attitude does verge on helpless some days. I am doing well to try to take small steps away from that now. Although I do struggle to save face in this department, I know it is a thing worth its own merit to do good by yourself. It's this caring for myself bit that puts me on the right track again. Once I see that there is a thing inside me that is soft, that is my own, and none else can touch- that's hope.

Hope is the lubrication I need. lube. lol.

If if ownership is hope, then where does this believing in yourself fit. Because do I believe in myself? hell to the maybe but probably no. There's definitely reasonable doubt, and when there is reasonable doubt, you can count on me to crack that wide open with an ice pick.
But I can see all the recent times in my life where I've been doubting myself actively, I was also feeling selfish.
It was its own self feeding monster that took hold- but if I were to go back in time and intervene with myself at the point where I had an inkling my self doubt was a selfish sacrifice of time, I don't know that I would've been able to understand that message as as a call to forgive myself.

But also, hold up, rewind, because what does ownership of my present self look like? I can, in this moment accept my flaws. In a moment when I read over the idea of ownership I felt a flash of what my life could look like had I owned it. Why does that flash fly away so quickly? Must I chase it?

I must, but I must say the chase makes me mad. I make me mad. s'pose that makes me an artist.

"Hope is a dangerous thing, Hope can drive a man insane"
-Ellis Reddick, Shawshank Redemption
"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."
-Andy Dufresne, Shawshank Redemption




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